


scared to be lonely

by dontstraytoofar (orphan_account)



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-11-17 07:56:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11271324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/dontstraytoofar
Summary: Sometimes it feels like a shot, like a piercing bullet that bounces off the walls of Camila’s heart and tears and tears and tears. Other times, it feels like Lauren just likes tapping her fingers against Camila’s beating organ for fun, like ogling at a tank full of fish; as if she didn’t know the effect she had on her.Camila’s okay with that, she can learn to beokaywith that.





	1. part 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys. just me. wondering how i got into this fandom and started writing for it. 
> 
> based on a prompt in my ask box i still have to answer im SORRY. anyways enjoy! comments super appreciated x (also i posted this elsewhere but ao3 is such a better platform so)

 

-

 

They’re in New York at the same time, _separately,_ and of course, it causes twitter to go insane. Sometimes, Camila wonders what people _actually_ think happens; if they ever _do_ meet.

(She tells her self it doesn’t matter, Lauren’s here for the performance with Halsey and Camila’s here for her album; she says in interviews _she doesn’t care she doesn’t care she doesn’t care. It’s over._ )

And then it just…happens. Like the universe was sending her a personal “fuck you” disguised as early morning coffee run ins. (And Camila cares, fuck she _cares)_

She’s on her phone, off to the side in small café waiting for her order as her ride waits outside; she’s glancing at her phone, countless tweets and tags lighting up her screen that make her smile. She likes a few, heart-warming at the words. She out right _laughs_ at a gif of herself glaring in an interview from years ago; the caption _“when someone says IHQ is mediocre”_

She retweets it. Her order is called.

 “Camila?”

But _fuck_ it’s not the girl behind the counter, it’s not her management or a fan or _anything_ Camila wishes to be. Because she _knows_ that voice; jesus, she _loved_ that voice. Camila turns, hair moving as time stops and Camila’s not sure but she fucking _swears_ the café grows quiet. And she’s just…there. Like nothing’s changed. Like the past 8 months never happened.

She’s smiling, take out coffee in her hand, Camila can’t _breathe._ Is this what it feels like to break?

 “Camz?”

Camila blinks, her eyebrows draw together. God that name, Camila feels her chest _crack_. “Lauren?”

She hears a stiff chuckle, watches how Lauren bites her lip and frowns. “Yeah, hey…” Her words trail off, breathless as she watches the other girl scratch the back of her neck. She’s the same, god she’s the same dorky idiot she fell in love with. The same deep voice, the same _everything_ and Camila can’t even muster words.

 “Miss? Your coffee”

Camila turns to the woman, blinking out the daze, and takes her cup. Turning back, Lauren hasn’t moved; she’s still tapping her nails against her cup, eyebrows draw together in thought. Camila decides to speak, she clears her throat, running a hand through her hair.

 “Long time no see?”

Lauren looks up, and maybe Camila was hallucinating but there’s a _hope_ to Lauren’s eyes. The other girl nods quickly, chuckling lightly. “Yeah, yeah, crazy right?”

Camila nods; she holds tighter to her cup. The air is stiff, forcing Camila to swallow. “Definitely a small world”

Before Lauren can reply, her mouth open and eyes slightly pleading (god her _eyes)_ Camila’s limo beeps; she can see her management tap his watch, raising an eyebrow. Camila sighs; smiling to Lauren in apology – it takes Camila by surprise at how _easy_ it is to do that.

 “Sorry my uh -“

Lauren nods, sucking in her bottom lip, moving to the side to let Camila through. “Oh yeah, for sure.”

Camila walks past, she hears Lauren take a breath.

(She still smells like leather, like roses, promises, young love and the cigarettes the older girl would smoke on the rooftops they laid on. Camila walks through the door, she shuts her eyes. She pretends she didn’t hear Lauren’s voice crack when she spoke)

 

 

-

 

 “Were there any paps?”  
  
Camila groans, head thumping to the seat of her car seat. Her manager bombards her with questions, after seeing Lauren in the café and their interaction the other woman wouldn’t let it go.

 “No, okay? It was just me and her.”

Her manager breathes a sigh of relief, slumping in her chair as Camila frowns. The driver stays silent, Camila watches as traffic backs up in the New York streets.

 “Would it be so bad if there were?” Camila asks, eyebrows furrowed. Her manager closes her eyes, massages her temples, and sighs.

 “I don’t want to even _imagine_ the mess we’d have to clean up”

It hits Camila like a train; the reminder of what her and Lauren always were. A mess. From the start, destined to fall apart

(Three years into loving Lauren Jauregui though, Camila remembers not caring that they were. _Fuck it,_ she used to think, _if we’re a mess, we’re the most beautiful fucking mess to exist.)_

-

 

Camila’s singing/rapping into the microphone at a radio station, laughing in parts as she tries to rap the word “llama” over and over again, happiness filling her chest. It feels so _good,_ so good to be in this place.

Her phone lights up, and unfamiliar contact she hasn’t seen in _months._ A year nearly. It makes her falter slightly as she looks down at her phone next to the nursery book, no one notices; she resumes her position even as her heart stutters. Even as the contact makes its home; unchanged since the day Camila made it. 

 

 **lern jergi:** **hey**

 **  
** Camila closes her eyes, she just flips the book and keeps smiling as she tries to sing. Her phone lights up with another message underneath it.

 

**can we talk?**

Camila finishes, laughs to the people clapping around her.

She locks her phone. It doesn’t even take a second for her to put it on silent.

 

 

-

 

The next few days are a blur of interviews and radio appearances and fan meet and greets. Each person hugs her, she feels light and airy and god so fucking _happy._

She doesn’t remember Lauren’s texts until she’s sitting quietly in the studio; typing new lyrics into her phone.

She didn’t mean to click the message, to let Lauren know she’s “seen” it, but the damage is done, and Camila mutters “Shit” as she closes her eyes, putting her palms to her forehead and groaning, her phone facing up on the table in front of her. “Shit shit shit”

She quickly takes of her recording headphones, biting her lip, drumming her fingers on the table. _What are you doing Camila? Jesus you’re not 15._ Sighing, Camila leans back in the office chair she sits in, twirling aimlessly. She should have known, avoiding things never works.

  _God,_ Camila thinks. _I thought it was_ done.

She sits up, takes her phone, and types out. And as soon as she sends it she pushes her phone away, standing up and pacing. This is dumb, this is so so so incredibly _dumb._ It’s a fucking _text._ It’s just _Lauren._ It’s just-

Lauren.

It’s Lauren.

Camila runs her fingers through her hair, she nearly screams into the empty studio.

(Even when they’re over, Lauren still manages to fuck everything up and run through the cracks of Camila’s life like water in sand)

 

_what about?_

 

Camila watches the dots appear, she scoffs at herself. She sits back down, picking up her phone. She’s surprised with how fast Lauren’s reply is.

 

**can we meet?**

Well that was the last thing Camila expected. She frowns, texting back.

 

 _im busy. this weeks not good._  
**  
** **lucky im here for two weeks then**

It makes Camila frown deeper, shake her head and type back. She feels as if in a lucid dream, as if Lauren is pranking her and Dinah will jump out scaring her as if it was 2015 again.

_  
what do you want?_

**i just want**

The dots appear again, and Camila shuts her eyes at the message that lights up her screen.

**  
i just want a chance to explain.**

 

 

 

-

 

 

She has to pull up in a limo with tinted windows, she has to hide her face with glasses and her hair as her heels clack against the pavement. There are paps _everywhere,_ camera’s flash, her body guard tugs lightly on her sleeve as the revolving doors of the restaurant comes into view.

_Why did she agree to this again?_

A young man with his phone out shoves his way forward, Camila’s left to let her body guard move him slightly in warning.

 “Camila! Who are you meeting? Aren’t you supposed to be doing press for your album?! Camila!”

The man fades from view, Camila feels her chest start to constrict as the restaurant looms closer. Fuck, why did she come here? Why is she being pulled back in again?

She knows. It lights her chest up with the realisation.

(It hurts, it hurts so fucking much to realise you named an album “The hurting the healing the loving” to realise you never even stopped _loving_ that person. She guesses she never will.)

She makes it inside, putting her glasses on her head; scanning the slightly busy restaurant. A waiter comes over, a smile on his face, and Camila doesn’t even get the chance to say anything before he speaks. “Miss Cabello?”

Camila nods, frowning slightly as the waiter gestures in a sweeping motion. “Seats this way ma’am. Anything to drink while you wait?”

Camila follows in a daze, coat over her arms as the waiter leads her to a table; a small booth with roses adorning the surface in a vase. It’s all so…intimate. Camila already feels out of place. “Uh yeah. Thanks. Just water”

The waiter nods, walking away as Camila’s left to stand there. _Oh right, maybe sit?_

She expected to see Lauren already there, leather jacket on the seat in a crumpled mess, like always. The thought makes Camila shake her head; she sits down. God, she wonders if she’ll even _show up._

And then she hears more paparazzi three minutes later as her drinks set down; and the questions at the tip of her tongue almost roll out before Lauren even makes it through the door. Camila watches how she runs her fingers through her hair, almost _worriedly,_ as she scans the restaurant. She decides to raise her hand slightly and wave, lips upturning the slightest amount when Lauren’s eyes light up as she finds her.

The other girl walks over, combat boots and her jacket around her waist and it’s as she hasn’t even changed at _all._ She smiles in greeting, sliding into the booth next to Camila.

“Hey”

Camila smiles softly back in recognition; its muscle memory. But it still _hurts,_ Lauren doesn’t deserve her happiness. But she still finds herself smiling back. “Hey yourself stranger”

It makes Lauren chuckle as she leans her forearms on the table, gazing at Camila as she bites her lip. _God, don’t look at me like that again. Like you care._

“You ordered yet? Or…” Lauren trails off, acting so _normal_ that it makes Camila’s blood boil. Instead of saying anything, Camila simply shakes her head, her bangs moving from the action.

 “No, thought I’d wait for you”

The words hang in the air, so heavy with meaning that Lauren flinches. Camila doesn’t pretend not to notice, her eyebrows draw together; then she realises her words. “Oh-“

 “I’m sorry”

 “What?”

Lauren closes her eyes, breathing in, her leg is bouncing; and Camila knows Lauren so well she can almost feel the nervousness running off the other girl.  “I’m sorry” She repeats it quieter this time, opening her eyes and staring straight into Camila’s.

And Camila herself is thrown, eyebrows drawn as she tries to string her words together; open mouthed and confused. “What for? It’s just food-“

Lauren rolls her eyes, she _laughs,_ that laugh she would do when Camila was effortlessly funny. Just, her dorky self. Camila’s chest warms at the sound, she tries to ignore it, still thoroughly confused.

 “Not the food. I’m sorry, for what happened. What we-“ Lauren catches herself, clearing her throat. “What _I_ did to us”

Camila nearly chokes on her spit, mouth opening as Lauren closes her eyes again, as if she was afraid of what Camila would say. And god, she’s _sorry?_

 “You’re _sorry?”_ Camila says it unbelievably, eyebrows raised as Lauren opens her eyes, mouth ready to reply. “That’s all you’re going to say? Sorry?”

Lauren opens her mouth, a strangled noise falls out, she clears her throat. She seems so _small –_ and Camila wants to scream and kick and hit at Lauren’s chest because god, she still _loves_ her. It _hurts_ to see Lauren hurt. Does she feel the same? Does it crack Lauren’s chest open to see the sadness in Camila’s eyes?

Lauren speaks quieter, the space between the two seems like miles. “You don’t know how much I am. Fuck, it _hurts_ Camila. I didn’t-I-I didn’t want it all to be this way” She watches Lauren close her eyes, her chest deflates, as if the words have been stuck in her lungs for months. Camila is frozen, tears start to blur her vision.

She thought she was _done_ with this all, she thought she was over it.

 “Camz?”  
  
 “Don’t”

Lauren winces, as if slapped, her hand was raised to fall on Camila’s wrist in comfort, but it sits frozen in the air.  “Don’t call me that. You have _no_ right” Camila’s voice is broken, almost a whisper; and unbeknownst to Camila herself, Lauren’s heart breaks at the sound.

 “Why?” Camila’s voice rings out again, and Lauren draws in on herself; she swallows. Plays with her fingers in her lap. She can feel Camila’s stare on her.

 “I don’t, I don’t know. I was scared. Fuck I was _so_ scared”

 “Of what?” Camila’s voice is a whisper, confused and hurt and so _so_ small. Lauren runs her fingers through her hair, she fists it lightly as she stands up abruptly, taking Camila by surprise.

 “Can we get out of here? Please?”  
  
Camila frowns as she shakes her head in confusion, but she still nods. She follows Lauren out of the restaurant, down the street, avoiding paps as she follows her, Lauren hastily pressing the buzzer to an apartment complex.

 Fuck, she’d probably follow Lauren to the ends of the earth.

 

-

 

They make it inside, and Lauren unlocks the apartment door with her keys; it takes Camila a second to process everything. She never even knew Lauren owned a loft in New York. The older girl immediately goes to the cupboards, taking out two wine glasses and setting them on the table.

 “Drink?”

It’s 2pm, but Camila still says “Sure” impassively and lets her gaze fall around the small studio apartment.

There’s no valuables, no pictures and barely any furniture. Camila guesses it’s just a place to stay, the whole apartment screams the opposite of homey. But when she looks up, from gazing out a window onto the busy New York streets, Lauren’s already looking at her. Like she _is_ home. Two wine glasses in her hand from behind the kitchen counter. Camila swallows, avoiding her gaze.

Lauren blushes at being caught, dropping her gaze and walking around to hand Camila the glass. Camila runs her fingers through her bangs, she wonders how Lauren even _has_ alcohol.

 “Here, it’s cheap but-“

Camila sighs, closing her eyes as she takes the drink. Their pinkies touch and god, it still sets both girls skin alight. “Lauren what am I doing here?”

Lauren frowns, turns away and goes to sit on the white leather couch that faces the windows. Camila wordlessly follows; sitting with a leg pulled up and nails tapping her glass. She hears Lauren sigh; she wonders if the other girls heart beat is as fast as hers.

 “I listened, to your song”

The words have Camila’s eyes widening; she looks up from her glass to Lauren’s soft gaze and finds herself frozen. Lauren chuckles, she takes a sip of her wine and nods. “Yep. By accident. Turns out it’s perfect for late night radio”

 “Lauren…” Camila says her names softly; she wonders, she wonders why she never thought Lauren would hear them, the songs that is. She always just thought they’d stay with her and the world who listened to them, not the girl they were partly about. It throws her through a loop, reeling at the emotions that are boiling inside her at this new knowledge.

She watches Lauren shrug and smile reassuringly; looking into her glass. “It’s cool. Honestly, it’s a beautiful song”

 “It’s not just about you, you know” Camila feels like she needs to say this; like Lauren _needs_ to know.

The older girl nods, biting her lip. “I thought so, I just…”

Lauren seems like the words she desperately wants to say are burning her throat, like she’s choking on the effort. She closes her eyes, and the older girls words come out in a whisper. “Can we just start over?”

Camila’s breath hitches, she hasn’t even touched her glass. “Lauren-“

Her heart breaks, Camila hates it but her heart _breaks_ as a tear trails down to Lauren’s chin. “You don’t know how sorry I am”

She lets herself _feel,_ for the first time in months Lauren lets herself feel every emotion, every heart ache and every mistake she made. She wonders if this is how Camila felt writing songs, this all consuming _ache._ Lauren puts her head in her hands, leaning her elbows on her knees. She cries, the type of crying that makes your chest hurt, she’s silent though, biting her lip with the effort.

And Camila? It’s almost instinct how she puts her hand on the small of Lauren’s back, rubbing softly. But it just makes Lauren cry harder, saying into her palms. “Don’t…don’t comfort me. I wasn’t there when you were going through the same-“

 “Laur?”

 “Yeah?”

 “Shut up”

Camila pulls Lauren in, she lets the older girls head fall to her shoulder as she curls into Camila. Holding to Camila’s shirt like an anchor.

She always was, Lauren’s anchor that is. A never ending support against the crashing waves that Lauren felt like she drowned in daily. She mumbles against Camila’s shirt as her breaths even out, voice raspy and deep with emotion.  
  
 “You’re the most loving person I’ve ever known Camz”

Camila closes her eyes, the words bury themselves in her heart like a knife. They stay like that, the sun setting slowly as the last rays of light hit each girls’ skin. Camila lets her chin rest lightly on Lauren’s head, she feels Lauren fall asleep against her chest like they fell in love.

Softly, slowly, suddenly.

 

 

-

 

Lauren wakes to her cheek against Camila’s chest.

She remembers how not a year ago, this is what she used to wish for. What they _both_ wished for. Where both women could be free, unrestrained, like every other couple out there. She blinks her eyes open slowly, first unfamiliar at the weight underneath her. But her heart rate slows as Camila’s soft breaths hit her cheek, Lauren feels her chest rising softly in her sleep as the early morning sun makes her squint.

(She looks to Camila, she looks so _peaceful,_ and it makes Lauren feel guilty to know it’s a rare moment. Camila being soft and content and unhurt, just sleeping in the warm glow of the sun)

Lauren should get off, Lauren should sit up and stop staring at the goddess underneath her who’s eyelids flutter softly in sleep. Why was she so afraid? Why was she so afraid of _this?_ Of what she could have had with Camila?

 _Because you were a coward in love,_ Lauren thinks to herself bitterly, _god you were an idiot._

“Stop thinking so loud”

Camila’s sleep laced voice startles Lauren slightly, and the other woman snorts at the reaction. “I knew it. You still zone out in the mornings”

The words make the air still, Lauren blushes slightly at being caught half staring half thinking. It’s like they just naturally revert to who they are, _together,_ as if even months without seeing each other they still act the same, are the same around each other. It sends both women reeling.

Camila clears her throat slightly. “Uh, sorry. I just-” She gestures for Lauren to get up, and the older girl frowns at first but quickly picks up on her words, chuckling lightly as Camila smiles in thanks as she moves off her.

When Camila stands up, stretching, the morning light of the living room catching her messed hair, Lauren falls again and again and again for her and resigns to the fact she’ll never stop falling.

 “Bathroom?”

Lauren’s snapped out of it. “Oh yeah, two doors down and on your right”

Camila mutters a thanks with a small smile, walking down the hall. Lauren lets her body fall backwards on the couch as she clutches a pillow and groans. “Good going Jauregui. Smooth”

 

-

 

 “I should get going”

Camila walks out of the bathroom and goes to collect her jacket, hair flowing down her back and out of its braid she put it into last night. Lauren is mid sip of her coffee when she straightens up with a frown as Camila walks up to the kitchen counter. No one says anything about last night, or the morning, it’s just…them. Always has been. Even if they fought and yelled and screamed, they came back to the other. Always holding and whispering reassurances because neither could go to sleep at night angry.

Lauren can still see the hurt in Camila’s eyes, god, she doesn’t blame her. Being _here_ , seeing Lauren again. She gets it. Fuck, she does. It still doesn’t stop Camila’s weariness and hesitance from hurting. So Lauren nods, like Camila leaving won’t mean anything, or matter to her. But it does, _a lot._

“Sure, yeah okay”

 Camila nods and smiles slightly, walking to the apartment door as Lauren stares at the kitchen bench. Not being able to stop the words even if she tried.  
  
 “Camila?”

Camila stops short, hand on the door as her heels stop clacking against the wooden floors. “Yeah?”

 “We’re still friends, right?”

Lauren’s voice is low, raspy and hopeful and Camila wonders if she hears the slightest amount of desperation hidden beneath the words. And Camila thinks about it, so much so Lauren wonders if she’ll ever reply. She taps her nails against the wood, biting her lip as she answers.

 “Of course Laur,” Camila smiles a sad smile, shrugging on her coat. “I didn’t realise we ever weren’t”

With that, the door closes with a soft click as Camila walks out, leaving Lauren holding her mug. Steam rising and warming the air. Lauren lets out a breath she didn’t realise she was holding, leaning her head back to the ceiling and closing her eyes.

It’s _something,_ it’s better than anything Lauren’s felt in ages.

-

 

**to chee chee:**

_hey_

Camila’s back at the apartment she’s staying at; head looking up to the ceiling as she puts her phone down. She’s relaxing in the bath, hair up in a bun, bangs framing the side of her face as her body melts into the tub. She taps on the ceramic side of the bath, tries not to think of Lauren’s smile, her eyes, how she felt draped over Camila’s body after so long.

So she texted the only person she thought of.

She’s still in contact with Dinah, of _course._ Texting whenever she can and calling the other girl when she has the time. When Camila went solo, she remembers Dinah crying at their last performance, she remembers with a smile how she took Camila out for frozen yoghurt and they sat at a park bench and cried and cried and laughed at memories they shared while yoghurt melted in their hands because with Dinah? She was always _there,_ a shoulder, her rock.

(When Ally and Normani found out, they tackled Camila in a hug backstage when the show ended and Camila remembers how tight they held to each other. Like the other was slipping through their fingers and Camila can’t _ever_ forget the feeling of Ally, tiny Ally, squeezing so close Camila had to laugh through her tears and mutter “I can’t breathe All”)

Lauren came later, onto the tour bus, silent. She kissed and she kissed and she _kissed_ Camila like it was the last time she could. And muttered with a smile _“You’re gonna do amazing things Camz”_ against her lips like a prayer.

Camila stares into the bathroom ceiling, her chest still aches.

She hears her phone ding, and she slowly leans up and finds a towel that rests on the tub; wiping her hands and grabbing her phone.

  **chanch! sup?**  
  
Camila smiles, laughs at the familiar nicknames. She realises in that moment none of her friends contact names have changed, like they’re still all _together._

Then she remembers Lauren; and the reason she reached out.

 

_any chance you in ny? X_

**sadly, no :(**

**why, you okay?**

She smiles at the other woman’s concern, and quickly types back.

 

_im good! thought we could catch up_

**aw sorry walz, next time?**

 

She smiles at the other woman’s concern, and quickly types back.

 

_all good!_

**dork**

**btw! heard ur raps on the radio. you NEED to cover despacito fully**

**like yesterday**

Camila laughs, she tries not to drop her phone in the water.

 

 _haha_  
  
  
_trust me, you and the three thousand tweets I got today?_

_are in agreement_

 

 **good. yall know I love ur spanish singing**  
  
Camila sends back a love heart, and taps her fingers against her screen as she bites her lip. Fuck it, she thinks, if anyone’s going to tell her what she needs to hear, it’s Dinah.

 

_hey, can I ask you something?_

**shoot**

_i ran into lauren today_

_well yesterday, but I stayed over because she invited me_

_and we talked and_

Dinah replies faster than what Camila can type, and Camila scratches at the hairs at the nape of her neck as she reads the message.

 

**for real? huh, she didn’t tell me**

**wait you stayed?**

_yeah…._

**you okay?**

Camila frowns at that, biting her lip. _Is she?_

_yeah no. im okay. just, thrown a little_

**hey I get it**

**I would be too if I was in ur position mila**

 

_dinah?_

**yeah?**

_u know im really glad I met you, right?_

**duh, who wouldn’t be?**

Camila laughs, the dots appear again.

 

**in all seriousness, me too chancho**

Dinah sends a kissing emoji, Camila snorts at the image.

**hey I gotta go, sorry!**

**with the lauser thing, don’t worry, we see it.**

**maybe something got knocked into that dumb smart brain of hers**

**take care okay? promise me**

Camila sits up in the tub, hugging her knees as she stares at her phone; smiling. Maybe things will be okay, maybe her and Lauren and god, _everything_ will be okay.

 

_promise._

 

 

-

 

The thing that got knocked into that dumb smart brain of Lauren’s that Dinah was talking about?

Normani Kordei.

It was during Dancing with the Stars, the four girls’ hands clutched tightly between each others.

Lauren was biting her lip in anticipation, Dinah was cutting off Normani and Lauren’s blood circulation; Ally couldn’t stop bouncing in her seat. It was honestly just a small statement, not even meant to mean that _much,_ but it stuck to Lauren like glue as Normani put her phone away she was typing away on and whispered in Lauren’s ear with a small chuckle. She didn’t think twice about saying it, it was almost instinct.

 “Mila sent a _meme_ in support. I swear that dork…”

Normani trails off, knee bouncing and nerves making her forget who she’s talking to as she fondly chuckles. Lauren’s breath stops, both from Normani’s words and the announcers voice booming over them in waves.

Normani gets placed third, Dinah has the _perfect_ facial reaction of “what the fuck?” mixed with “oh my god” but Normani smiles and accepts the cheek kiss from Ally because everything she did to get here was _so_ worth it.

They go out and drink the night away as Normani and Dinah recreate some of the dances she performed, half drunk and laughing their asses off as Ally snorts at the two idiots on the dance floor. Lauren’s still stuck on Camila, still stuck on the ache in her chest whenever she hears her name.

That’s when she texts her, between Ally laughing at Dinah’s failed dip and Normani nearly dropping the taller girl on the floor, Lauren texts her because _fuck,_ missing Camila is a lot like drowning.

And Lauren’s _tired_ of gasping for air.

 

-

 

 

She stays in New York for a few more days, revelling in the bustling streets and the people who seem so _alive_ that Camila can’t help being in just a…really happy place. She takes an Uber to her next interview, mindlessly gazing out the window. The night with Lauren is stuck in her mind, the other woman’s gaze, how she _looked,_ like something was sapping the energy from the once bright girl and not faltering in the slightest.

Camila frowns at that, biting her lip and deciding to unlock her phone. Because she preaches about loving and moving on and loving _yourself_ above anything else but…here she is. God, here she _is._

(Two songs out and still _so_ fucking in love with Lauren Jauregui)

It starts to rain, forcing Camila to blink as water hits the car window. She looks down to her phone, she wonders if she should do it.

But before she can, a twitter mention floods her phone. It kinda makes her breath catch.

 

_@LaurenJauregui mentioned you in a tweet._

(It’s like she can _hear_ twitter exploding)

 

Instead of waiting for the inevitable, her mum calling and management not far behind, Camila taps; and well, she _smiles._ Because she feels like somethings healing, it feels a little like moving on and stitching up the wounds Lauren made. Like her album is making _sense._

 

 _@LaurenJauregui: just heard IHQ for the first time! Song is fire!_ _@Camila_Cabello!_

The tweet, in the 30 seconds it had been up, already has a five hundred likes and fifty retweets. And Camila knows it’s a small white lie, Lauren’s heard the song already, she’s accepted it’s contents and origin and how the inspiration is partly the dark haired Latina herself . So it all actually feels like an olive branch.

 

(Camila’s okay with that, it’s nice to be on the receiving end of reaching out)

 

 

-

 

_my song is fire? really?_

**what? i speak the truth and nothing but the truth**

_management is going to kill you, Lo_

Lauren’s reply takes a second, and Camila crosses her legs; biting her lip supressing a hopeful smile.

 

**hearing that nickname?**

**worth it. 100% worth it.**

(She wonders if it will stay like this; happy and wondrous and _light._ Camila wonders if Lauren will stay the same this time. She’s giving her half a chance, and Lauren’s words ring out from the night before. “ _You’re the most loving person I’ve ever known Camz”_ )

It’s both a blessing and a curse.

 

 

-

 

 

Camila silences her phone for a while, it’s _a lot._

Non stop mentions, news articles, the only thing she really pays attention to is the call her mum graces her with as she exists the car; answering as she looks up at the radio station building sighing out an affirmative “Uh huh?”

 “You’re talking to Lauren again?”  
  
Her mothers voice surprises Camila, it’s not angry or malicious more…disappointed. Camila’s not sure what to make of it. So she runs her fingers through her hair, shouldering her way through the buildings front doors as her security guard helps her through. She smiles in thanks, a little bit guiltily relieved her fans are quiet today.

 “Yeah…I am”

A thousand thoughts run through Camila’s mind, where is she even going with this? With Lauren?

  _“We’re still friends yeah?”_

Lauren’s voice echoes, yeah. Friends is a good start.

 “Just be careful, okay?” Her mother’s voice brings Camila out of her stupor, the sentence makes her almost stop in the middle of the foyer; as if those words have been spoken before.

(The thing is, they _have._ Her mother said the same thing before Lauren gripped her heart, basically playing with it like a baseball against a brick wall)

 “It’s okay, we’re-“ She walks into the radio station numbered room, smiling at familiar faces that greet her. “ _she’s_ …trying I guess. It’s a start.”

She can hear Sinu’s sigh on the other end. “I guess so. Talk soon, good luck at the interview, okay? Te amo Mila”

Camila smiles, saying goodbye and an “I love you” as she hangs up.

The world seems to spin on it’s axis on a slight tilt for the rest of the day. As if there’s something changing or moving or just… _shifting._ Camila can’t put her finger on it, but she goes with the flow of the day; hoping to _god_ all these interviews will slowly calm down so she can breathe again. She’s not sure how many times she been asked “So who’s these songs about?” in the past week. There’s only a number of times she can reply with the same re worded question over and over and _over_ again.

  _“So, you in the loving part of the album now?” “Who’s the hurting about?” “Crushing on anyone famous lately?” “Boys catching your eye?”_

It’s the last one that Camila has to suppress a groan at. Nearly _every_ time.

 _(_ Honestly, when a break is called and Camila takes off her headphones, she doesn’t immediately panic when Lauren’s name flashes on her phone screen) 

 

-

 

Everything fucking _snowballs_ from there on.

Her and Lauren are on good terms. Talking and texting and well, communicating. Camila forgot how much she _missed_ it.

Then the text comes through. Camila rolls her eyes.

 

**uuuh so turns out management was SUPER pissed**

**if u read an article in the next four hours titled “fifth harmony singer, lauren, 20, found dead” its NOT clickbait.**

Camila bites her lip, chuckling at the text and typing a quick reply. She can see the radio host setting up to go live again.

_told you Lo_

 

**ha. ha.**

**i admit. it was a stupid move.**

**but hey, you’re smiling yeah?**

Camila immediately frowns, quickly covering up the fact that well _yeah she was-_ then she looks around, notices; _oh my god you idiot Lauren’s not even here_ as she texts back, supressing a laugh.

 

_nope. nadda. not at all._

**oh you SO were**

_shut up Jauregui ill beat ur ass_

**oh, what. all 5’4 of you???**

Camila’s chest feels light, she smiles, they’re _them_ again. And yeah, Camila thinks. She got through the hurting, she healed. She forgave. She can say she’s at “the loving” part.

She remembers what Lauren used to say, while they sat at hotel pools with their feet in the water, warm nights and neon lights illuminating their faces, Camila remembers Lauren telling her: “I think we all come back to our first loves, you know? Like the universe just wants us to grow and heal. Then we can love” Camila remembers kissing her, she remembers the feeling of Lauren’s laughter against her lips.

She likes that quote, it should be a song someday.

 


	2. part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooh boy. these two i swear. making me emotional and writing like another 4K in two days smh. 
> 
> thanks so much for the feedback on the last chap! ur comments make me smile sm! :) hope yall enjoy! x

 

-

 

Camila’s under like, fifty pounds of blankets in her hotel room when the world throws another “fuck you” moment.

And it’s not a _bad_ “fuck you”, it’s kind of like a warning. Or a sign. Or like the universe was telling Camila that maybe, just _maybe_ coincidences are life’s way of telling you what’s wrong or what’s right. As if Lauren calling her at 4am in the morning was a sign that maybe this whole time Lauren should be next to her, in her bed, waking up with a sleepy groan and good morning kiss instead of-

 “Wait, you’re _where?”_

Camila’s voice is raspy with sleep, and she squints at her bed side clock, groaning at the time that blinks back.

Lauren’s slurred voice then comes over the line, confused and giggly. _“Uh, I think Ty’s house party? There’s so many pretty lights Camzi!”_

Camila closes her eyes, rolling onto her back and swiping her free hand down the front of her face as she sighs. _Jesus Christ._ She can hear the thumping of base coming through her speaker, and indistinct voices cheering and laughing. Camila, if she was being honest, the first thought wasn’t even that she was woken up rudely. Or that Lauren called _her_ of all people.

(It was the thought she used to have every time Lauren said she was somewhere without Camila, that thought of _she has to be okay. Shit; did she smoke AND drink this time? Is where she is even safe?)_

It’s enough for Camila to sit up in her bed, sighing into the phone.  
  
“Lauren? Why did you call me?”

Lauren snorts, as if the idea of _not_ calling her was insane. _“Duh, I need my girlfriend to pick me up! Aaaaand come dance with me,”_ She can practically hear Lauren’s pout. _“I’m lonely”_

Camila’s breath hitches, closing her eyes as Lauren’s words wash over her in waves that feel like cement. _Fuck, god damn it._ Camila knows, even now, of _course_ she’s going to go get the older woman. She tells herself it means nothing that she doesn’t correct Lauren’s girlfriend statement. Or well, any part of that sentence.

 “Is Dinah or Normani there with you?” Camila is already up and out of her warm cacoon, slipping on a sweat shirt and high waisted jeans. She hops around as she puts converse on, shoulder pinning her phone to her ear as Lauren hums. Shit, where did she put her contacts?

  _“Hmm. Nope. Jus’ me”_

Camila mutters a cuss under her breath, finally slipping on her shoes and deciding to just fuck it and grab her glasses. Slipping them on as she runs her fingers through her hair.  “Okay. Hang there okay? I think I know where you are”

Lauren hums, and Camila can picture in her mind what the other girl looks like. It’s her stoned/drunk phase. Where she sits on a couch upside down with her feet in the air, hair pooled on the floor as she laughs. Whenever it used to happen, Camila would be there taking dumb photos and kissing her dumb lips and tickling the spot on Lauren’s stomach where her shirt slips up as they laughed.

(Camila grabs her purse, telling Lauren to stay on the line until she gets there, and she tries to tell herself it means nothing that her heart fills with worry. Protection. Like it always did with Lauren. She tries to tell her heart to _chill_ and that her waking up at 4am with no questions asked to help Lauren means absolutely _nothing_ )

But it does, shit, it means more than both women realise.

 

 -

 

She tells the Uber driver the address, she can remember it like the back of her hand.

Although it _is_ Ty Dollar’s house, she remembers the address because when “Work From Home” came out, and billions of views hit the five girls like trains, he creepily gave Camila his phone number and texted it to her. Never mind she was eighteen and he’s like, thirty. Camila remembers blocking the number in a heartbeat.

She also remembers how Lauren frowned when she told her that, like jealously was pumping through her veins. She wonders if Lauren knows that that’s how she felt when ‘dating’ rumours of Ty and Lauren spread like wild fire. Camila knows better, it was management trying to diffuse any hint of anything, god forbid, _gay_ happening between her and the older girl.

(When her manger said the word with such venom that Camila could feel the burn of it hit her skin, she vowed then and there that no one, _no one,_ could dictate who she loved)

And she loved Lauren. Simple as that.

She’s bought out of her musings as her driver pulls up, she glances out the window up to the mansion, sighing as she hears Lauren over the phone humming to a Rihanna song that pumps through the speakers. “Hey, Lo? You there still?”

 “ _When I look outside my window I can get no peace of mind. Oh oh oh!”_ Lauren’s raspy singing filters through, and sure it probably doesn’t call for it but Camila smiles as Lauren hums to “Consideration”, she can just _tell_ the older girl is completely out of it.

Camila laughs slightly, trying to get her attention over the phone as she walks up the drive way. “Lauren? You with me?”

  _“Hmmm yep! I’m in a room with bubbles”_

Camila comes to the front door, noticing a six foot bouncer folding his arms, staring down at her. _Shit._ She realises she probably really doesn’t look like former Fifth Harmony member Camila Cabello in a sweatshirt and glasses.

Instead of telling Lauren, she entertains her while fervently thinking of a way in. “Bubbles?”

Lauren giggles through the phone, the giggle that would have Camila in a puddle of goo on the floor every time she heard it. “ _Yeah, like suuuper massive bubbles. Who knew bubbles could be this big Camz?”_

Wait, bubbles?

 “Lo? Is there any chance those bubbles might be in a bath?” Camila speaks through the phone, biting her lip as she hides her smile.

She hears Lauren gasp through the phone, hearing her clothes shuffle as she most likely sits up. _“How the fuck..? Oh my god Camz, you’re a mind reader. My girlfriend’s a mind reader”_

(For the second time that night, Camila doesn’t correct her. And she ignores the warning her heart sends her; that this is going to fucking hurt in the morning when sober Lauren wakes up)

 

-

 

 

It takes her a whole 20 minutes negotiating with the bouncer to let her in for _five minutes_ only, just to pick up her friend and be on her way. The bouncer looks down, frown on his face as realisation hits him.

 “Hold up, you Camila? Camila Cabello?”

Camila folds her arms from the cold, frowning as the bouncer speaks. “Uh yeah?”

The bouncer snorts, shaking his head and moving to the side as he opens the door. Tsk’ing as he laughs. “I just had Jauregui an hour ago asking for you. Going on about something to do with the moon and sun?” He shrugs, folding his arms. “Any who. You got five minutes”

Camila feels like she just had a serious case of whiplash. She thanks the bouncer, walking in and texting Lauren.

_  
get ur butt here Jauregui._

 

_its 5 am im NOT going on a witch hunt for u_

Lauren’s text comes in a couple minutes later, Camila tries to tell herself the worry in her heart is just…heart burn or something.

 

**im in the bathrhsedoom**

**bathroroe**

**BATHROOM*****

**its cold :(**

Camila rolls her eyes, pockets her phone, and makes her way to what she presumes is the right direction. There’s at least fifty rooms in this house, and Camila spends ten minutes walking around, hoping the bouncer doesn’t come kick her out.

It’s funny also, how no one pays her mind, it’s a nice change that has Camila thankful. She hasn’t even thought about how she has an interview at 9 am this morning, it happens with Lauren a lot. She just forgets about the outside world for a bit.

And when she finds the girl in question, she’s on the bathroom floor staring up at the ceiling, spread like an angel as other party goers laugh at her on the ground. Camila sighs, closing her eyes. How, she asks herself, how is she in love with her again?  
  
(She guesses it’s that first love thing, the idea Lauren told her years ago now. It’s never been more prevalent until now)

 “Come on starfish, time to get up”

Camila leans down onto her knees, holding to Lauren’s hand to get her attention. That’s when the older girl notices her, glassy eyes focusing with a frown, but a moment later lighting up in recognition. “Camzi! When did you get glasses?”

Yeah, in love with an idiot.

 

 

-

 

 

When Camila groans as she drops Lauren into the Uber after dragging her ass down the driveway, the older girl sighs at sitting down on the soft seats. “God that feels good, my ass must hate me”

Camila follows after, having to buckle Lauren in with a roll of her eyes because she wouldn’t be surprised if the older girl even knows what two plus two is. When she leans over, grabbing the belt, Lauren falls into her front like a rag doll. Softly moaning as she rests her cheek against Camila’s breasts.

 “Hm. Soft”

Camila closes her eyes, breathing in. Being this close to Lauren again has her body on autopilot. The kind of auto pilot where her arms scream at her to pull the older girl closer, cover her in warmth, tell her she’s an idiot and needs to drink like four litres of water.

It nearly steals Camila’s breath away how much it hurts to ignore those urges. Because that’s not them anymore, right? It’s not _them._

But it kinda is.

(It’s frustrating to watch two people in love while neither do a thing about it, from past issues or present. It’s like watching someone dying of thirst who stumbles upon a well; simply jumping into its depths instead of pulling up the bucket.)

 

 

-

 

 

Camila lets Lauren have this moment, she knows the other girl will barely remember it anyways.

So they stay like that, Lauren’s head on Camila’s chest as the younger girl leans against the car door, listening to Lauren’s soft breaths. She runs her fingers through Lauren’s hair, humming a song as the older girl smiles in her sleep at the vibrations from Camila’s chest. In the quiet of the car, Lauren mumbles.

 “I love you”

(She thinks she’s currently riding a cloud shaped like a unicorn, so thinking Camila couldn’t hear a word she spoke makes perfect sense to Lauren in that moment)

But the words break Camila’s chest, she leans her head back on the window to stop the tears.

And the moon looks down, Camila stares at it through the glass, she wonders if it _knows._

 

-

She practically carries Lauren up to her hotel room.

It’s around six am, Camila has to leave in less than an hour to make time for hair and makeup. Lauren, like a zombie, falls face first into her bed with a groan as the morning sun hits her eyes. Camila feels like a tonne of bricks are weighing her shoulders down.

It’s now that time of the night (day?) that things start to get, well, awkward.

Camila bites her lip, decides _fuck it_ and takes Lauren’s jacket off for her. Same with her jeans and jewerly. Leaving her in an oversized designer off the shoulder sweater that Camila ignores, because seeing Lauren like this is too familiar. Like Lauren will wake up hungover and kiss Camila’s lips, making her slap her arm and telling her she seriously needs some mouth wash as they laugh.

(Instead, she unties Lauren’s boots, moving her into a more comfortable position and laying the blankets over the passed out girl. “God you’re so dumb”)

She says it fondly, but also kind of means it. Because Lauren Jauregui, even with her 4 point whatever GPA, can seriously be oblivious. For one, she’s trying to reconcile a relationship she fucked up, by getting high and calling the girl she’s in love with to pick her up. Then, and Camila knows this, Lauren will wake up and panic, wonder whose room she’s in, then text Camila asking what the fuck happened last night. The younger girl will lie, say she just picked her up and nothing else happened and she said something funny about her glasses.

Camila tells herself to get over it, get over how Lauren seemed more _Lauren_ while drunk and high. It’s worrying, that there’s something wrong enough in the other girl’s life for Camila to think that. She wonders if they’ll talk about it, she wonders if Lauren will stay long enough for them to.

(Wishful thinking, but with Lauren, Camila’s always foolishly been an optimist)

 

 

-

 

Four hours later and Lauren proves her wrong. As in, _dead wrong._

She’s still…there. In Camila’s hotel room, eating room service. She has a noodle hanging from her mouth when Camila walks in; mumbling around the food sheepishly.

 “I uh, got hungry. And ordered food. Cabonara?”

Camila is fully dressed now, Gucci products draping her body from her photoshoot and interview. She practically nearly drops her bag at the sight. Lauren looks her up and down, smiling warmly. “Congrats on the signing. Gucci girl, huh?”

Camila watches the older girl with an eyebrow raised as she takes another bite, laughing as Lauren chokes on a noodle in her rush to eat. “Yeah…thank you” Camila says it sincerely, Lauren smiles back after taking a sip of water to calm her choking as the two girls just stare at each other.

It’s like being in limbo, Lauren and Camila suspended in this space of _will they, won’t they?_

It’s frustrating and weird and makes Camila feel sixteen again.

Before Camila can stop herself, the words are out of her mouth. It’s not meant to sound accusing, or mean even, but well, she’s sort of been thrown in a loop. “I didn’t think you’d stay”

It stings, and Lauren doesn’t blame her. At all. It’s justified after the amount of times Lauren left Camila in an empty hotel room, wondering when they’d talk again. Lauren slowly lowers her bowl, frowns, and Camila realises her words as she closes her eyes. “Shit I didn’t mean-“  
  
 “No no, it’s cool. Really. I deserve it”

(Fuck, Camila remembers how much she wanted to hear those words a year ago, god she used to want to beg to hear them from the other girl’s lips. Now, Lauren muttering them as she stares at her bowl of pasta, it doesn’t hold the power Camila thought it’d give her. It makes her want to kiss the girl across from her and fall into the sheets and laugh like they used to.)

Lauren speaks again, smiling sadly. “I wanted to talk so, I stayed.”

Camila nods, breathing in and placing her bag on a nearby chair. She realises in this moment; just how much they’ve changed. Separately yeah, but _together_ it’s like they’re starting over again. And they may easily revert to themselves, the easy laughing and touching and loving, but there’s a shift. A slight alter in the way Lauren moves and talks with her.

It could be the walking on egg shells thing, like she thinks one wrong move will send Camila running. She finds herself desperately wanting to tell Lauren that’s not the case, she just wants…closure.

She just wants her best friend back.

(Her brain seems to mutter “and your first love”. Camila ignores it, she doesn’t want this rushed. Plus, Lauren and Camila have always been both. First loves and best friends. It’s kind of always been like that)

Lauren then tucks her legs underneath her, getting comfortable. Camila walks over, she thinks she should sit on a chair, but if they’re a version of _themselves_ again, she should sit opposite Lauren on the bed right?

_Oh my god it’s a BED Camila._

She crawls opposite Lauren on the blankets, hugging her knees.

Lauren’s doing that thing when she’s nervous, playing with her fingers and biting her lip. It’s second nature that Camila places her hand on hers, stopping the fidgeting. It makes both girls look down, Camila breathes in, Lauren widens her eyes. After a moment, she slowly flips her hand upwards, taking Camila’s in her own.

 “I missed this”

Camila feels how their hands fit together, it sends the same rush. She hates it, that her body seems to be hotwired to respond to Lauren’s touch. The older girls face seems to say the same thing, minus the hating part. Camila likes to think she has every right to be mad, to still be full of anger that simmers on the surface.

(She does have a right. Lauren thinks so too)

Camila then speaks, she reluctantly pulls her hand away, both girls feel the loss of warmth. “Do you remember anything from last night?”

Lauren groans, putting her head in her hands as Camila smiles. “Fuck, I’m so sorry Camila. That was-“

 “Incredibly stupid?” Camila deadpans, raising an eyebrow as Lauren laughs.

 “Yeah I guess so”

 “You were shocked I wear glasses Lo. _Shocked”_

Lauren falls onto her back as Camila laughs, leaning on her elbow with her chin in her hand watching Lauren blush. She’s pretty like that, no makeup, dark hair, smiling. She decides not to mention the slip up “I love you” that left the other girl’s lips.

 “Seriously. I’m really sorry,” Lauren sits up again, tussling her hair to get it out of her face. “I was being a fucking idiot”

Camila frowns, biting her lip. “Why were you even at Ty’s? I thought…” Camila trails off, she doesn’t even want to think it if she’s being honest. And Lauren then sighs, shaking her head and rolling her eyes at herself.

 “It’s not what you think. God, it’s not what _anyone_ thinks. I was just-“ Lauren breathes out, Camila listens with her full attention, she wants to pull the other girl closer. Kiss the side of her head. “Camila can I tell you something?”

She doesn’t hesitate for a second. “Anything”

 “Life’s hard without you”

She whispers it, as if the words burn her throat. Camila can see her eyes go glassy with tears, this time, she let’s herself have this moment to be soft and caring. She lightly rests the tips of her fingers at Lauren’s wrist. Making the other girl bite her lip to stop the tears.

 “Not in the way that I can’t _exist_ without you,” Somehow, Lauren knows that’s half a truth. “Just- everything was easier with you. Loving you, kissing you, being with you. It was like it just _was,_ I didn’t even realise I was falling until I fell”

Camila closes her eyes, she traces patterns on Lauren’s skin as she speaks.

 “I ruined it. Fuck I ruined _us_ and I made you think you weren’t important. Camila?”

Camila looks up, Lauren’s crying now, softly. Her green eyes seem to capture her, and the words Lauren mutter makes Camila’s entire heart shake. “God, you’re so fucking important it’s crazy.”

Camila can tell herself later that this was stupid and that forgiving Lauren is like holding a double edged sword sometimes. But fuck, she knows she’s trying. She knows those eyes and she _knows_ those tears and Lauren Jauregui has never been more broken than in that moment. Camila understands this, she gets that no more words could have been spoken. She knows how desperate Lauren was to say “You’re so fucking important _to me”_

(But they’re not quite _there_ yet, both girls have wounds that still need healing and as much as Camila wants to, god she _wants to_ , kissing Lauren in this moment will open them up again like fresh lemon to a weeping cut)

So instead, she bites her lip, deciding then and there that life’s too fucking short.

When Camila pulls Lauren into a hug, when their bodies fit like puzzles pieces and Lauren grips to her shoulder blades Camila thinks that _this_ is where they start. This is the healing; this is the loving. She feels the older girl bury her face into Camila’s neck, breathing out a shaky breath.

 “I don’t deserve you”

It makes Camila chuckle sadly, letting her fingers play with tendrils of Lauren’s hair as their bodies press ever closer. “Maybe. But you have me, yeah?”

(It makes Lauren hold tighter, their chests pressed together closely. Lauren guesses Camila doesn’t realise how much those words mean to her)

 

 

-

 

Lauren thinks she should leave in an hour, deciding that yeah, her managers gonna kill her because all she left as an explanation for last night and this morning was a text and three emoji’s. Lauren’s prepared for the hell, it was worth it to see Camila again.

And it feels like things are changing, in a good way. Nothing feels heavy and nothing feels weighed down like it has for the past six months. Lauren can breathe normally again. Camila tells her she can borrow the spare toothbrush she always carries around, telling her that her deodorant and perfume she can use are in the side pocket of her suitcase. She says it with a piece of toast hanging from her mouth.

It’s all so familiar and _domestic_ it takes a second for Lauren to kick into action. Smiling and heading for the shower.

It goes like that, Lauren gets out of the warm spray of water, towel wrapped around her body and hair wet in black waves down her spine. When she appears, asking if she can borrow Camila’s hair dryer with a toothbrush hanging out of her mouth, the younger girl looks up from her phone distractedly and hums an affirmative noise.

Then she does a double take. Mouth going dry at Lauren who effortlessly smiles and walks back into the bathroom.

Camila can’t help but blush, and wonder if the effect Lauren has on her will ever disappear.

(It won’t. It doesn’t.)

 

 

-

 

 

“Do you wanna get lunch?”

Camila’s slipping on heels when Lauren suggests the idea with a hopeful grin. And it takes Camila by surprise, but now that she thinks about it, what were her and Lauren going to do anyway? An awkward goodbye and a “Keep in touch?” It’s so _not_ them that it almost makes Camila shiver.

Instead, she shrugs and smiles back, saying “Sure” as Lauren’ shoulders lose their tension.

 “The usual place?”

It’s funny how they both just know, how Camila was thinking the exact same place and how Lauren didn’t even think twice about it. There’s something reassuring about it, something about being so in tune with the older girl that makes Camila panic for a moment. Because it means forgiveness and it means falling in love again and it means growing closer to a girl she once wanted nothing to do with. A girl she once thought hung the very moon in the sky.

 Camila still thinks Lauren hung the stars, plucked one right from the cosmos whenever she kissed her. But after all that happened, her outlook changed on the older girl.

(That’s not saying Lauren can’t re lasso the moon for Camila, it’s just going to take time. Baby steps.)

 

-


	3. part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written listening to lili reinhart’s cover of wicked game (seriously, if u need emotion while reading and want to cry listen to it im sHOOK)
> 
> pps. I just watched camila’s performance of Havana so you can thank her cuban booty, that im 100% sure can be measured by parabola’s, for this chapter. she owns my gay ass. also, im not saying this fluff is here for a reason, but lets just say the next chap might be a lil bit angsty. (just a lil bit) AND also sorry for the shortness of chap, next one will be super long! 
> 
> enjoy!

 

 

-

 

 

 A picture of them gets out and to Lauren it’s the equivalent of someone leaking her fucking nudes.

Which is a horrible analogy, Camila knows this, comparing a leaked blurry photo that could pass of as being _anyone_ else other than Lauren and Camila to naked pictures sent to someone else in confidence is _pretty_ dumb.

But Lauren’s reaction is as if someone hacked her iCloud right then and there in the middle of the studio they’re both in.

 “Uh Camila?”

Lauren’s voice brings a frown to Camila’s face, she’s currently in the booth, headphones on as she tweaks the _tiniest_ bits to _OMG._ She needs it to be perfect. She can be meticulous like that sometimes.

Both girls decided spontaneously after breakfast, post Lauren waking up with half a hangover and nowhere else to be, for the older girl to crash her studio session and chill behind the glass. Her manager looked at her funny when Lauren Jauregui, AKA, muse to half of her album strutted in with a shy smile.  Camila kinda just ignored her reaction, simply laughing slightly as Lauren immediately sat on an office chair and started spinning as she checked her phone.

 “Yeah?”

Camila’s pulled out of her musings and she takes off her headphones, biting her lip as she stares at her lyrics on her page in thought while answering. Lauren frowns, phone in hand, pressing the little button on the other side again so Camila can hear her. Her voice wavers the slightest amount.

 “Did you see any paps at Ty’s?”

Camila thinks back, all she can remember is a bouncer, countless famous models, and high as fuck love sick Lauren. So she answers back as she distractedly looks to the page in front of her, frowning slightly in thought.

 “Nope. Not that I saw. Why?”

Lauren simply presses her phone to the glass with a worried look, making Camila roll her eyes as the older girl gestures to her to come closer. When she does, is it really her fault she laughs at the picture staring back at her?

 “Oh my god, Lo they’re just _blobs,”_ Camila notices how the titled _“Camren 2017”_ picture has nearly 15K retweets and she widens her eyes. “Damn. Those are some famous blobs”

It makes Lauren roll her eyes, looking deadpan to a smirking Camila through the glass. “They’re not _blobs_ Camz. It’s _us._ At Ty’s. _Hugging”_

(Camila tries to ignore how Lauren says the word as if it’s something to be afraid of)

Instead, she just shrugs, watching how Lauren looks to her as if she grew three heads over night. “Wow. Shocker Laur. Two girls who have know each other for nearly five years hugging!? Need I remind you we’re not hugging anyways, you fell into my boobs because you were so far gone”

Lauren pulls her phone away with a pout, and Camila smirks when a blush is colouring the older girl’s cheeks as well. “Not funny. Especially since management will be up my ass for this for _weeks”_

Camila simply replies “Fuck management” making Lauren cackle hard enough that Camila can hear it through the glass.

(She spends the rest of her studio session letting Lauren hear snippets of songs. Lauren seems to be genuinely feeling Havana, biting her lip and breathing out a “Damn this is gonna be amazing” and it makes a warm feeling settle into Camila’s chest that feels so unfamiliar but so _real_ that it takes a second for her to place it)

Lauren leans closer to the headphones Camila holds up to both their ears, they’re a breath away, and Camila feels like she’s falling.

 

-

 

 

 

Then she hits the ground and it fucking _hurts._

Because reality sinks in and Camila’s not sure why she didn’t see it all coming.

(Falling for Lauren Jauregui for the second time feels all like a sick joke to Camila, like Satan’s personally laughing up at her because it must be _so_ funny seeing her suffer)

It goes like this.

Lauren wears this crop top the next time she sees her and it makes Camila go into a head spin. Because they’re both at Radio 95 for interviews and it just so happens being in the same city garners these types of run ins. Lauren _did_ laugh at how “convenient” it was Fifth Harmony and recently retired band member Camila Cabello had interviews hours apart at the same venue. They shrug it off, the universe is like that to both women sometimes.

(Except Camila can’t shrug off Lauren’s toned stomach and the way it moves when she laughs)

There’s four things wrong with this.

 

  1. Being attracted to Lauren means she’s _also_ emotionally attracted. And she’s been so used to getting over Lauren that it’s hard to get back into her. If that makes sense. Camila hopes that idea doesn’t sound sexual.  

  2. (It does)  

  3. Lauren looks to her like Camila is the 8th wonder of the world.  

  4. Camila looks to Lauren like she’s the same.



 

The problem?

Dinah Jane and her goddamn inquisitive ass.

Because yeah, although Lauren and the rest of the girls weren’t in the interview with Camila and have another in less than two hours they have to make, they’re still outside the door talking amongst themselves behind the glassed wall. Ally really misses Camila and hasn’t see her since _months_ ago, and no one can really say no to Ally _“The inventor of sunshine”_ Brooke. So they stayed.

That’s when Dinah looks to Lauren with an eyebrow raised, watching with her mouth full of a random cupcake from their dressing rooms as Lauren sneak’s glances through the glass to Camila. It’s like she’s _swooning._  
  
“Wanna tone down the eye-fucking? I’m tryna _eat_ here Lauser”

Ally widens her eyes, holding in a laugh as her and Normani’s conversation is stalled. Normani just outright _laughs._

Lauren is left to open her mouth, blushing as she punches Dinah in the arm. “Shut the fuck up. Asshole”

Dinah simply looks back innocently, not even feeling Lauren’s punch. “What? Am I wrong though bish? God, what year is it?”

Normani pipes up, smirking as both girls tease a glaring Lauren. “Judging by Lauren’s stares, circa 2015?”

“I fucking hate you. Both.”

Ally “awes” rubbing Lauren’s back comfortingly, chuckling as Lauren’s cheeks are still red. “Oh come on guys. Don’t be mean-” Lauren deflates, smiling.

 “See? Why can’t you all be like sweet Ally?”

 “-it’s not her fault Camila’s a flood light and Lauren’s a tiny gay moth”

(Dinah and Normani both lose their shit. Lauren’s seriously considering taking Camila’s career change too.)

 

 

-

 

 

Once Ally has bear hugged Camila in her small frame, making the younger girl laugh, Camila’s manager tries to sweep her away after only five minutes of conversation with a frown on her face. Camila politely ignores her, she’s hung up on the way her heart weighs less after Ally’s hug. After Normani and Dinah smiling at her and talking about new songs; most of all though it’s Lauren. Who stands to the side biting her lip as Camila catches up with them all.

Their conversations are easy, it’s strange, she was so _scared_ that they wouldn’t be. Camila had been so scared too much had changed and too much was _different_ to be like this with them all.

(Then, mid conversation with Dinah, she glances to Lauren who’s smiling at her; the older girl sending her a small wave, and Camila decides then and there that things are _good._ She doesn’t need to be scared. It was dumb to ever think she’d need to be.)

 

 

-

 

People lose interest in the blurry pic. It’s hard to prove that two blobs are actual human beings. Lauren’s a little thankful for that, it’s giving her heart a rest that her relationships aren’t the spotlight of social media for a little while.

(Doesn’t stop twitter though, would it be bad if she just went on hiatus for like six years? Just her, a remote island, free wifi and Camila-)

She’s outside her apartment after seeing Camila at the studio; smoking in the New York sunlight when she thinks it. She chokes on her next draw.

Because the thought came out of _nowhere_ and sure, Lauren always knew things like that would come to the forefront of her mind, she just didn’t know it’d be so soon. Before she can dwell on it though, her phone dings with a new message. She flicks her cigarette to rid the built up ash as she unlocks it.

  _camz:_

 _  
_ _do u ever see something so amazing and beautiful that it makes you pause in the middle of doing something like “huh”_

Lauren snorts, and maybe because of her thoughts and maybe because of seeing Camila all week she decides to send her reply. It’s stupid and it’s risky but since when has Lauren ever cared about that? So she sends it, heart skipping a beat.

 

**I saw you**

Lauren waits as the tiny dots appear, heart in her throat as her phone lights up.

 

_honestly that’s so sweet and cute an dumb but it makes this awkward bc I was gonna send u a pic of a pug in a dragon onesie_

Lauren laughs at the message, heart full; like what she used to feel with Camila. Like what she feels _now._ It freaks her out a bit, enough for Camila to send the pic after Lauren not replying after a while.

 

_see? adorable. look at its eyes im gonna cry_

Lauren bites her lip, she tries to hide her smile. A couple of fans walk by as she’s typing, stopping to say hey and compliment her on her outfit. Lauren smiles in thanks, today’s…nice. Lauren likes to think she’s in an okay place.

 

**ok that IS pretty cute I have to admit**

Camila types back, and Lauren runs her hand through her hair; it’s strange to be in this place again with her. With Camila. It makes her feel silly and fragile and _happy._

 

_what u up to? I was thinkin since it’s ur bday in like…3 days we should do something_

_wanna catch up again? It’s g if ur too busy_

(It’s actually hopelessly gross and romantic just how MUCH Lauren wants that. How much she wants to sit on her couch and just…talk. Reconnect. Laugh. But Dinah and Normani are dragging her ass out to the city, it _is_ her 21st after all)

 

**u have no idea how good that sounds**

**unfortunately im being dragged clubbing, u can join?**

Even as Lauren sends it, she knows the answer, they’re not _quite_ there yet. Maybe in the future, Lauren’s okay that they can’t do things like that just yet. The idea that they _can,_ one day, is enough.

 

_rain check?_

_im free friday. we can order pizza and watch movies?_

_i know its not the PERFECT bday present but_

 

Before Camila can explain herself, it surprises Lauren how fast she types to reassure her.

 

**honestly? I haven’t done anything like that in forever**

**sounds perfect.**

(Lauren’s stomach does this weird flippy thing when Camila sends a rose emoji back. Things are okay.)

 

-

 

 

When Friday rolls around Camila shouldn’t be surprised at how _easy_ everything is becoming. She knocks on Lauren’s apartment door, hair up in a messy bun and her bangs framing the side of her face. She bites her lip in waiting; it’s so _weird._

(It’s so weird she’s standing here like she’s 17 outside her crushes door having their first sleepover. It’s just…weird. Camila has to remind herself it’s just Lauren. It’s just _Lauren)_

“Hey”

The girl in question opens the door, sweatpants and a cropped sweater draping her figure as she smiles to Camila. Camila sends a smile back, holding out the pizza she bought on the way like a peace offering. “Your fave is still mushroom and peperoni yeah?”

Lauren chuckles, moving aside and taking the box from the younger girl as she nods. “Yep.”

Camila walks in, as if she’s been there a thousand times. Lauren gets whiplash at how easy it is to be them again. “I still don’t get you Jauregui. You and your weird foods”

 “Mushroom and peperoni is not _weird._ It’s-“

 “Gross. Yeah I know”

Lauren sends a glare, making Camila laugh as the younger girl walks into the living area where the TV and couch sits.

 “I’m one hundred percent relying on you having Netflix,” She takes her jacket off as Lauren goes to her small kitchen, getting plates and glasses. “Because if you don’t were limited to-“ Camila squints to the DVD’s lining a small bookshelf next to the TV. “Breakfast Club and Shrek. _Wow_ Lo”

Lauren rolls her eyes, walking over and giving Camila a plate. Watching how Camila smiles in thanks. “Shut up. Yes I have Netflix, no don’t ask me why Shrek is there”

Camila laughs; they mutually decide to watch 500 days of Summer. And half way through Lauren gets started on a rant about how the movie “Perfectly represents male entitlement Camz. It’s like he thinks he deserves her. What the fuck?” that has Camila laughing fondly as Lauren mumbles around her pizza.

 “What’s so funny?”

Lauren asks it after taking another bite, voice muffled by pizza. Camila innocently shrugs, curling her legs up on the couch and smiling. “Nothing. It’s just-I always liked that about you. Your passion. It’s cute”

The older girl blushes, clearing her throat and biting her lip. Her stomach does that dumb thing again; flipping at Camila’s words. “My passions cute?”

Camila rolls her eyes, throwing a couch pillow at Lauren from the other side of the couch as the other girl laughs. “Shut up. Don’t let it go to your head dumb ass”

(Lauren lets it go to her heart, she lets it sit there and grow until she can’t breathe with the feeling taking up every available space and every available spot. She looks to Camila, biting her lip to hold her smile, she looks beautiful like this. The TV light hitting her face, her brown eyes glowing as she catches Lauren staring)

But Camila simply smiles back, not commenting on it. Something feels like it’s changing.

 

-

 


	4. part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N hmm boi these two are killing me lmao 
> 
> regarding the continuation of this fic, i feel comfortable ending it here (hence the 4/4 chapters) but honestly im more than happy to keep going! if you'd like to see the other ideas and aspects of this fic i had in mind let me know! until then, enjoy :) 
> 
> ps all mistakes are mine

-

 

 “Camz?”

 “Okay, what is up with you calling me at like, 3 am in the morning?”

Camila groans, eyes shut as she answers her phone; immediately recognising the voice on the other end as Lauren’s. Her clock blinks 3:24 am in the darkness and Camila almost _whines_ because can she just please have a full eight hours sleep? Is that too much to ask?

But in her tired groggy state, Camila fails to notice or hear the older girl’s breaths and whimpers on the other end. Like Lauren was struggling for breath.

 “I swear to god Lo if you need me to pick you up I’m just calling you an Uber and-“

 “N-no Camila I-”

Lauren’s voice cracks, wavering in places as she tries to get her breathing under control. Camila leans up on an elbow, frowning into the darkness as Lauren’s sounds hit her.

 “Lauren? You okay?”

Camila hears the older girl take a breath, but it stutters and Lauren almost chokes on how _hard_ it is to breathe. There’s no air getting to her lungs, why is no air getting to her lungs? Why can’t she breathe? Her chest starts to labour with her deep breaths, she can’t even _answer_ Camila’s question. She squeezes her eyes shut, trying fervently to stop her erratic breathing.

Once Camila realises what’s going on, her eyes widen and she sits up properly; running her free hand through her hair. She knows this feeling, those types of breaths where it doesn’t feel like _anything_ could help the ache weighing down upon your chest. And it almost makes Camila’s heart break when Lauren whimpers again, holding back a sob.

 “Hey hey, it’s okay Lo. It’s going to be okay” Camila talks in a soothing tone, trying to calm down the other girl’s anxiety that ripples up from her stomach to her throat. Camila can’t count on her hand the amount of times she’s been through this herself; calming her breathing and trying to shut out the thoughts that zip past her mind a mile a minute.

She can hear Lauren hold back another sob, maybe she’s biting her lip or maybe she’s screwing her eyes shut but regardless, Camila vows right then and there she’s not going back to sleep until Lauren’s okay. It sort of terrifies her how much she means that.

(Because it means Camila cares, it means so many things she doesn’t have the time to think about right now)

She hears through the phone how Lauren tries to breathe in deep like Camila told her, her crying forcing the breaths to become stuttery and wet. Instead of telling her to stop, Camila encourages her, until her breaths become even but still raspy.

 “Like that Lo. In and Out. With me, yeah?”

She guesses Lauren nods to her words, because when Camila breathes in deep, she can hear the soft breath Lauren takes as well in time with her. “That’s so good Laur. Keep going. You still with me?”

She hears Lauren hum softly in confirmation, her voice weak and tired. Camila bites her lip because fuck, it’s breaking her heart she can’t be there to hold her. To whisper that it’s okay and that the sun will shine again in the morning and that Lauren will be _okay._ She promises.

She says as much, she whispers through the phone how the bad thoughts will go away. And in the morning Lauren’s chest will ache but that’s _okay,_ it’s just an indication you’re alive and you feel things like any other human.

 “H-how can you be so sure Camz?”

Lauren’s voice is so _small_ and Camila bites her lip at the words. Making her own voice soothing. “I just do. Trust me.” Lauren whispers a raspy “Okay” that has Camila’s shoulders sag in relief.

 “Do you want me to come over?”

The question comes out of nowhere, and if Camila was being honest, it shocked her too. And judging by the silence on the other end, Lauren wasn’t expecting the sentence either.

 “Uh, never mind. Just-“ Camila almost smacks her forehead, _god you’re so stupid._ “Just get some rest yeah? I’ll-I’ll be right here Lo”

When she says the nickname; Camila ready to hang up because _christ, could she have been more assuming?_ But Lauren quickly speaks, like the words flooded her mouth in their urgency.

 “No!” The older girl reigns in it, Camila doesn’t see, but Lauren is holding her blanket in a tight fist. “C-can you come over? Please, I need-“

Camila’s breath hitches, with how broken and _tired_ Lauren’s voice sounds. “I need someone to tell me I’ll be okay” Lauren closes her eyes at the words, knowing what she left out.

( _I need **you**. Camila I need you to hold me)_

And the words go left unsaid, but Camila hears them as if Lauren spoke them right then. True and raw and _bare._ As if she was just _wishing_ someone could bring them out of her, make her have the guts Lauren wished she had to speak them so Camila _knew_ how much she needs her.

How much Lauren wants her.

(Are they irreparable? Are they bent, or are they broken?)

Instead, Camila nods, telling Lauren she’ll be over in twenty minutes minus traffic. She hears how Camila’s jumping around getting ready, like she was all those nights ago when the older girl called her. It makes Lauren’s chest light with the image.  

And Lauren’s never been much of a much of a poet; she’s never been good with words on the spot, but she fucking wishes she was. Just to be able to describe the feeling of hearing Camila say over the phone: “I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’ve got you Laur”

Lauren nods silently, as if the other girl could see her. Camila stays on the phone the entire way there.

 

 

-

 

 

 

When she gets there Lauren’s fast asleep, phone in her hand and bed sheets at her feet.

Camila was surprised her apartment door was just left open, she guesses the older girl did it before falling asleep as she waited. Traffic was awful, even at 4am New York hates the idea of giving Camila a break; hence it taking the younger girl thirty minutes to reach Lauren. She still can’t help smiling at the memory of her saying Lauren’s name through the phone, to only be met by the older girls soft breathing as she succumbed to sleep.

As she makes her way in, toeing off her shoes and taking off her jacket; she can see a few wine glasses on the kitchen bench with unfinished and unrolled blunts scattered nearby. The image makes Camila frown slightly, but she simply sighs, taking the glasses and placing them in the sink. She winces as they clink together noisily; hoping the sudden noise doesn’t wake up sleeping beauty in the other room. Camila sighs in relief when she peaks her head down the hall to see into Lauren’s bedroom at the end, watching how Lauren sleeps soundly, her back rising softly with each of her breaths.

She leans on the wall, folding her arms as she bites her lip in thought. It’s strange to be here, to have this worry in her heart that weighs so heavily that Camila wishes someone would take it from her. She wishes it to fade away so she can pretend the woman in front of her doesn’t hold her heart in the palm of her hands; shaking it like a snow globe, watching the pretty flakes of Camila’s heart be tossed and turned.

Camila, sometimes, on quiet nights like this, wonders what her life would be like if she didn’t love Lauren.

(Then Lauren whimpers in her sleep, tossing and turning with a pained expression on her face, and with the way Camila immediately walks down the hallway, sitting on Lauren’s bed with a soft hand at the small of her back squishes any possibility that a life without loving Lauren Jauregui is possible)

 “Laur?”

 “N-no please-“

Camila frowns, noticing how Lauren is still caught in her dream, or nightmare. “Lo it’s just me, it’s okay-“

Camila places her hand at the side of Lauren’s face, gently running her fingers through her hair as she sits with one leg dangling off the side of the bed. Lauren’s eyes are screwed shut, but at the contact, her face slackens and her breathing evens out. The moment takes Camila’s breath slightly, because it’s soft and suspended and-

Lauren slowly blinks her eyes open, because Camila kept stroking her hair and she guesses it coaxed the older woman awake. Lauren’s confused at first as she looks up to Camila, opening her mouth as her words come out raspy with sleep.

 “Camila? What are you-“

Camila raises an eyebrow at the phone in Lauren’s hand, smiling and chuckling as Lauren looks down to the object with a cute frown as realisation hits her. “ _Oh_ right” Lauren laughs, and Camila’s in love with the way the older girl looks half asleep and dazed. “Sorry, I fell asleep from…uh. Your voice”

When she says it, Lauren bites her lip, as if she is afraid she can say things like that still. The words make Camila smile and laugh lightly, her hand is still in Lauren’s hair as neither seem to notice.

(Or maybe they do. Maybe they just like the feeling of the other person’s touch)

Lauren then leans up on her elbows, biting her lip as she looks up to Camila’s hand. The younger girl seems to notice, blushing and pulling it away awkwardly. “Sorry”

 “It’s okay. It’s nice”

 “Really?”

Lauren nods, clearing her throat from sleep.

 “You used to do it all the time when I had these moments,” Lauren doesn’t call them what they are _, panic attacks_ , and instead sits up properly in bed. “You do this thing, with your thumb, like-“ Lauren reaches up, letting the pad of her thumb stroke lightly at the ridge of Camila’s eyebrow, and the younger girls breath hitches. Lauren’s eyes have never looked greener that in this moment as she whispers. “Like that”

Camila couldn’t look away if she tried, Lauren’s touch and gaze is so _soft_ that she’s having a hard time telling her lungs to breathe and heart to beat. Lauren smiles as she removes her hand, letting it rest in her lap as Camila lets a soft and breathless “Oh” out.

(Camila tells herself she’s playing with fire, that this is dangerous and risky and that she _really_ shouldn’t be figuratively standing on the edge of a cliff about to jump to her death. But that’s what it feels like, in this moment, like she’s about to plunge into the darkness below. She should go. She should _really_ go)

Instead, Camila frowns in worry, because the thought that is occupying her mind isn’t _go,_ it’s stay.

 “You okay?”

The question takes Lauren off guard a moment, but she smiles softly in answer, running her fingers through her sleep matted mane, looking down to the bed sheets. She just _really_ doesn’t’ want to relive those moments. “Yeah I’m, I’m okay”

Camila ducks her head slightly, she wants Lauren to know how she’s _here_ for her. Desperately. “You wanna talk about it? I’m here Lo”

 “Really, I’m okay”

Camila raises an eyebrow, she can still see the slight red to Lauren’s eyes from tears. “Oh? ‘Cause it’s currently 4:30 am and you called me. Having a panic attack”

Lauren frowns, because the memory of what she was thinking and feeling is coming back up her spine and she _really_ doesn’t want to talk about it. She just needs to _forget._ Can’t Camila see that? Can’t she just hold her and forget like she’s trying to do?

 “Seriously, can we just forget about it? I’m _fine”_

Camila frowns, because with the way Lauren’s shoulders tensed, the way her voice _broke_ over the phone and how she said Camila’s name like a plea indicated anything else other than _fine._ It showed a sadness that almost broke Camila in two. So she speaks softly, and from experience.  

 “Lo, it’s okay to admit you’re not fine, _trust me._ I know it’s hard, but sometimes-“

Lauren closes her eyes, god that nightmare just _keeps_ flashing past her vision. “Camila I _don’t_ want to talk about it-“

 “ _Sometimes_ the best thing to do is talk. You can’t keep bottling it up and expecting everything to be fine” Camila lets her hand rest lightly at Lauren’s thigh, it sends electricity up both their bodies and it’s as if Camila’s hit with this _feeling._ The words are out of her mouth before she can stop them.

 “It hurts me to see you hurt Lo, I want to _help_ you because-“ Camila breathes in. She fails to notice how her words have Lauren clenching the comforter in her hands. Because _god,_ she just wants to _forget._

“Lauren I lo-“

 “Camila! Jesus, can’t you just let it go? What’s your fucking problem?”

Camila flinches at the outburst, hand coming up from Lauren’s lap like she touched fire as she swallows. As she swallows the words that now taste like bile.  Lauren’s eyes are piercing, but as if realising her outburst, she opens her mouth to apologise. Eyes remorseful and pleading as she shakes her head.

 “Fuck I’m _so_ sorry I didn’t mean-“

 “What’s my problem?”

Camila’s voice cracks slightly, as if choking on the words. Lauren want to rewind time, she wants the earth to swallow her up. “Camz-“

She watches Camila stand up, looking to Lauren with hurt in her eyes, like she is drowning in the effort of trying not to break. “My problem _? Jesus_ , Laur.”

She looks to the ceiling, running her hand through her hair; and Lauren closes her eyes because she fucked up again and she resigns to the self-hatred running through her veins. She didn’t mean to snap, she didn’t mean _any_ of this and Lauren’s heart drops to her stomach as Camila speaks.

 “My fucking problem Lauren is _loving_ you.” Camila lets tears fall, she laughs bitterly, shaking her head and wiping under her eyes. “Wanting you to be _happy._ But every time it’s thrown back in my face and _god_ Lo, I’m _trying”_

On her last words, her voice cracks, and Lauren blinks; the haze of her own tears hot against her eyelids. They fall to her chin as Camila’s words rush over her in waves. “C-Camz I’m sorry I didn’t mean-“ She rests her elbows on her drawn up knees, fisting her hair as she  squeezes her eyes shut. This all-consuming self-loathing washing over her body, like a fire to a forest. And it _burns._

(Why is it so hard? Why is it so fucking hard to tell Camila she loves her?)

Words are failing her, Lauren can’t _speak_ as the anxiety climbs her spine like a vine. Coiling around as Camila looks on with a worried expression. The air is so _heavy_ and it isn’t until Camila hears Lauren’s erratic breaths does she widen her eyes, sitting back down on the bed.

 “Lo? It’s okay-“ Camila wraps her arm around Lauren’s shoulder, she pulls them down to the bed so the older girls head rests lightly on her chest. She tells her to breathe, to listen to her heart beat as a guide. And Lauren does, squeezing her eyes shut to stop the tears as she breathes.

Camila kisses the side of her head, whispering. “I’m here baby. I’m here”

 “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry”

(Lauren says the words against Camila’s neck, and the younger girl knows the apologies laced in tears aren’t just for tonight. They’re for before, they’re for all those months ago when she walked away out of fear)

It’s for not loving Camila when she should have. It’s for not being there for Camila like the younger girl is now for her. It’s for not keeping promises whispered to each other in the dead of the night; high on love and the other’s kisses.

 “It’s okay. Lauren it’s _okay”_

She feels Lauren hold to her shirt like an anchor, making it ride up slightly as she grips it. Camila hushes her, she feels Lauren’s fingers grazing her stomach.

The older girl’s breaths even out; and she doesn’t hesitate. It doesn’t even take her brain a millisecond to formulate the words, they’ve been sitting on her lips for years. They’re words she _believes,_ words she’s said before. She sits up, leaning on her palm, hovering over Camila as she looks up questioningly.

 “Lauren?” She reaches up, wiping stray tears from her cheeks and fuck Lauren’s _so_ in love with her. “You okay?”

 “You have no idea how in love with you I am”

The words have Camila’s fingers freeze on her cheek, mouth opening slightly; in shock or surprise Lauren’s not sure. But Camila’s eyebrows draw together as if she can’t believe the words. “Lauren…”

Lauren bites her lip, looking to Camila and how her eyes are wider, browner, _deeper._

 “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you Camz. And I’m so incredibly sorry and I get it if you want to leave, to walk out this door and never see me again because you’ve done that once before and I _get_ why. I get why you did it, because I fucked up and if you never forgive me I’ll be okay. I’ll live with that because I deserve it, and you deserve the world but I can’t give you that and-“

 “Lauren?”

Lauren takes a breath; her heart is in her throat. Camila’s looking at her. (She’s looking at her if she’s the most beautiful thing on the planet)

 “Yeah?”

(Camila does that thing, with her thumb, and Lauren’s body melts at the touch. Camila smiles softly at her, tilting her head slightly)

 “We’re the two most fucking idiotic people, aren’t we?”

It makes Lauren laugh, close her eyes as their foreheads touch. “Yeah, a mess”

Camila laughs with her, catching Lauren’s gaze as her green eyes open. “The biggest”  
  
She doesn’t remember who leaned in first, all Lauren can remember is how Camila’s soft hands cupped her cheeks, her pinky finger tickling her jawline. How Camila’s fingers felt at the nape of her neck. So familiar, like they were meant to rest there. She feels Camila softly kiss her, just touching lips; but then Lauren sighs contently and it’s enough for the younger girl to deepen it.

(Their lips move in sync, like muscle memory.  And when Camila softly nudges Lauren’s lips with her tongue, asking permission, it takes everything in Lauren not to melt into the sheets and fall into the younger girl below her. It physically _hurts_ how much she missed this. How did she go for so long without Camila’s touch?)

They deepen the kiss, their chest’s pressed together, and Camila’s the first to break away. Breathing heavily, her soft breath hitting Lauren’s mouth as she chuckles lightly. “Wow”

Lauren laughs with her, looking down, her gaze awe filled. “Yeah, wow”

 “I know this _really_ is the wrong time, but do you have coffee?”

It makes her laugh, because it’s so _Camila_ that it fills Lauren with this type of lightness she thought she’d never get to have again.

 “Really? _That’s_ what’s on your mind?”

Camila sheepishly smiles, leaning up on her elbows to a grinning Lauren. “Well it is like, nearly five in the morning. I am _human_ Lauren”

The older girl rolls her eyes fondly, getting off the bed and looking for her sweatpants, totally forgetting her state of undress that consists of lace underwear and an oversized t shirt. It’s dumb to even think about, her and Camila know each other’s bodies like the back of their hands, but it feels like they’re starting over so _yeah,_ maybe Lauren’s slightly self-conscious.

As she finds them, saying to Camila as she shrugs them on that she only has instant coffee, she catches the younger girl lazily smiling; sat up on the bed and playing with the sheets. “What?”

Camila shrugs, smiling like her next words won’t have any effect on the older girl. “Nothing. You’re just beautiful”

And Lauren blushes, biting her lip, the words bury themselves in her heart and Lauren feels like melting again. Her reaction just makes Camila smile wider.

 “See? Beautiful”

(Lauren’s in love, fuck, she’s so in love it hurts)

 

 

-

 

_@LaurenJauregui: the sunshine emoji feels appropriate right now_

Camila’s sitting on Lauren’s kitchen counter, nursing hot coffee and scrolling twitter when she reads it. She looks up, about to call the older girls name when she realises Lauren’s already in the room, leaning on the wall with her phone in her hand; smiling.

Camila raises an amused eyebrow, locking her phone as she chuckles.  “You’re so dumb”

Lauren bites her lip to hide her smile, shrugging as she looks to Camila.

 “So I’ve been told”

The other girl is bathed in the early morning sunlight, body covered in an oversized jumper as she shyly smiles. With her face makeup free, small freckles dot the bridge of her nose like a constellation, her hair loose and bangs messy and yeah, the sun emoji just _fits_ right now. Camila’s gorgeous. Lauren needs the world to low key know that.

Standing there, in her apartment, watching Camila pour another fresh cup of coffee into a mug and asking how she ‘slept’, Lauren feels content.

(Camila puts quotations around the word slept when she says it; it’s 7 am now and neither girl could fall back to bed. So they stayed up, Lauren’s head on Camila’s stomach as they stared to the ceiling. Lauren hummed in contentment as Camila’s hands worked through her hair softly. It felt a little like heaven)

Instead of answering, Lauren bites her lip. Tapping her nails on her own mug as Camila rambles on.

 “You know that meme? Where it’s like “The floors _blank”_ and it has someone like, avoiding the floor? In this case the floor is me getting eight hours of sleep and I’m the person jumpi-“

Lauren leans in smiling, she kisses the other girl on the cheek, it effectively cuts off Camila’s sleep deprived rambling and Lauren watches with a smile how the younger girl blushes slightly, but frowns. “Well that was rude. I was talking”

 “You’re impossible, you know that?”

Camila grins, sipping from her mug. “I wasn’t complaining about the kiss though”

Lauren laughs, the laugh that has Camila melt at. The laugh she would do when she’d crack stupid jokes, when she’d do something dorky effortlessly. It makes Camila put her mug down, pull Lauren by the waist so she’s standing in between her legs, and lets her fingers rest lightly at Lauren’s waist.

 “You know what? Fuck it”

Lauren raises an eyebrow in question, not complaining at all about the new position. “Uh, what exactly are we saying “Fuck it” too?”

Camila shrugs, feels how Lauren lets her arms encircle around her neck, and smiles. “Just- fuck it Lo”

With that, Camila reaches around and grabs Lauren’s phone out of her back pocket. The older girl looks to her with a funny look. “Fuck my phone?”

Camila just looks deadpan to the smirking girl. “You’re a kid I swear. Unlock it.”

 “Uh. Okay?” When Lauren does, Camila goes to her twitter; simply liking a bunch of her own tweets on Lauren’s account. Once Lauren realises this, she laughs again, shaking her head.

 “I’d like my tomb stone next to yours thanks”

Camila shrugs, locks her phone, and smiles. Leaning in to peck Lauren on the lips. “Eh, it was dumb. But so are we”

(Lauren feels light and airy, like if Camila weren’t holding her she’d float to the sky and into the atmosphere. Lauren’s okay with that, she’s okay with feeling untethered – she’s content for Camila to be the rock that grounds her. So she leans in, conveying what she doesn’t say against the other girl’s lips, falling back to earth with the way Camila kisses her.)

-

 


	5. after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is! all ur amazing comments inspired me to write another chap, honestly i'll probs finish here, but im an indecisive hoe 99% of the time so this could be the end or i write another 7 chaps who knows lmao 
> 
> but anyways! after the twitter drama this past week i feel like yall need some lovin' and positive vibes. is 4K words of basically pure fluff enough? ;)

 

 

-

 

Getting back to what they used to be, Camila can’t lie, she finds it hard.

Not hard in the way that they’re irreparable, not “hard” in the sense that being with Lauren is difficult or hurts. Not in the way that most people think.

(It’s hard in the fact that Camila has to act again. Like all those years ago.)

Acting like you’re not in love is probably any person’s downfall, acting like the one person who makes you genuinely happy isn’t anything more than a friend is just- difficult. Camila gets it, she does, doesn’t stop her from wanting to grab her phone, go on an angry rant about how it’s 2017 and shit like this, _hiding_ like this, still fucking happens in the industry and nothing’s changed since day one. 

She thinks better of it, Lauren’s always been the hot head between the two of them anyways.

Instead, she tweets the rainbow emoji, eating a grape distractedly from the bowl of fruit she made herself as she watches Lauren out of the corner of her eye. The older girl is reaching for a mug from the cupboards; the skin of her stomach exposed from her shirt riding up. Camila just stares with her chin in her palm as she chews.

 “Did my stomach personally offend you or something?”

Lauren’s teasing tone and smile brings Camila out of her half staring half glaring contest with Lauren’s abs, and she shakes her head from her thoughts. “Huh?”

Lauren raises an eyebrow, getting a tea bag and dunking it in and out of her mug of hot water. Camila just frowns harder instead at Lauren’s hands. “Okay what did my _hands_ ever do to you?”

Camila bites her lip, smiling, she decides to bury her feelings for a short while in favour for a smiling Lauren. It’s a little rare these days.

 “Few things”

Lauren snorts. “Was that a throwback?”

Camila shrugs, supressing a laugh. “Maybe”

 “Idiot”

(The sun shines through the curtains, bathing Lauren in warm orange light as Camila throws a grape at the laughing girl. And maybe being a secret again for a little while longer is okay. Camila gets this side of Lauren all to herself as a bonus, she’s honestly not complaining)

Anyways, pretending she’s not in love with Lauren? Camila’s been doing that ever since she can remember.

 

 

-

 

 

 

On second thought, maybe _pretending to not be in love_ is a stupid thing to do.

It starts with Fourth of July.

Camila decides to have a studio day again, even on days of celebration where she should be getting drunk and burning her clumsy fingers on sparklers, she finds comfort in the four walls, microphone and the smell of leather office chairs. Honestly, if she were to have a safe space, it’d probably be here. She’s never been one to separate work and things she loves. They go hand in hand.

(Except for Lauren. Lauren _used_ to be both work and things she loves. Now she’s just under the ‘love’ category)

God, when did she get so _cheesy?_

She shakes her head, nearly laughing at herself, as she lets her nails tap at the neck of the microphone while she holds it. She’s midway a particular hard run in _I’ll Never Be The Same_ when her phone dings, making her falter and frown.

 

**lern jergi:**

**please tell me you’re not in the studio**

Camila smiles, letting her headphones fall around her neck as she pauses the beat. It’s funny how not a month ago the name flashing upon her screen made her heart stutter in worry – now it kinda just floats.

 

_if i hypothetically am, what happens?_

**what happens is ill drive over and drag ur ass out with me and dinah**

**no WAY are you spending fourth of july alone**

Camila bites her lip, chuckling. The idea sounds _so_ good that Camila seriously considers dropping everything and leaving now; but her tour is in not 15 days and when will she get a break like this again? But then the dots appear again on her phone, and god, who knew choosing music over Lauren could be this hard.

 

**pleeeease**

**don’t make me send a snap of my puppy dog eyes**

_don’t u dare jauregui_

_that’s seriously unfair_

**ill do it**

**don’t MAKE me**

**ill even add leo for extra affect**

(Camila smiles down at her phone, running a free hand through her hair, the urge to just leave is _almost_ overbearing. Because she can imagine what fireworks and Lauren and her best friend would feel like. It’d feel a little like home)

 

_wheres that gif with like_

_that woman nodding and crying at her laptop_

_bc that applies here_

**are u the woman??**

_yes bc the image of u and leo pouting is too much for me_

**im not gonna win, am i?**

_if its means anything, I really REALLY want to Lo_

_you don’t know how much_

**u know what?**

**brb**

Camila frowns at the sudden drop in conversation, raising an eyebrow at her phone.

 

_Lo???_

_rude_

Camila locks her phone after waiting for a reply; instead focusing on the tiniest details in each song thinking about the girl she’s texting. Trying fervently to let each verse flow easily to the next, and ignoring how much she just really wants to drop everything, call Lauren and say “fuck it”. Watching fireworks and drinking cheap wine.

(Maybe they’d kiss. Maybe Lauren would rant about how funny it is that she tweets about a racist, misogynistic president while lighting sparklers and screaming about how much she loves the country that let someone like _him_ in power. Camila can literally hear her voice. She can almost see the cute passionate frown on Lauren’s forehead that she’d kiss away while the older girl laughed)

She loves that about Lauren. The light of fire and excitement she carries in her chest, sparking up Camila’s own with each kiss and breath and touch.

Then her phone lights up again, but it’s not a text.

Camila answers the call with a smile, chuckling at Lauren’s contact photo. (It’s her with the puppy snapchat filter. Adorably gross, Camila can’t say she hates it though.)

 “And to what do I owe this pleasure?”

Camila hears Lauren on the other end laughing slightly, she can hear wind and a radio through the line.

 “ _Don’t be mad”_

Camila raises an eyebrow, putting the phone between her ear and shoulder as she flicks through lyrics and papers in front of her. “Why would I be mad?”

She listens to muffled words as Lauren speaks to someone else, a door closing, and the older girl breathing out.

  _“You’re alone yeah?”_

“Uh yes? Laur what’s going on?”

 _“Nothing! Just-“_ Is Lauren trying to supress a laugh? “ _Put down the sheets and headset.”_

Camila frowns deeper at that, and listens to another person’s laugh come over the phone as Lauren tries fervently to try and shush them. Camila just takes her phone from her shoulder, sighing into the line with a confused smile.

 “One, how did you know I was holding sheets? And two, is that Dinah?”

 “Maybe”

Camila’s head shoots up at that, Lauren’s voice coming over the speaker for the studio. It’s then Camila looks through the glass, to a grinning Lauren with her phone up to her ear; and Dinah waving with a smile. Camila opens her mouth, confusion adorning her features.

 “Lauren? What are you doing here?”

She watches Lauren press the button to speak again, and then notices the unlit sparklers and flowers in her hands. “You couldn’t make fourth of July. So-“ She lights a sparkler, Dinah holding up a cigarette lighter with an excited bounce and Camila’s 99% sure it’s a fire hazard in here, but she honestly couldn’t care less. “we bought the fourth of July to you!”

 “You’re crazy, you know that?”

Dinah rolls her eyes, waving the sparkler in front of the glass. “Mila, you coming or not? Wait never mind, you don’t have a choice anyways”

The sight of Dinah, looking annoyed and impatient, makes Camila’s chest warm because it reminds her of _before;_ of good times and laughing and cold autumn nights sitting with the taller girl talking about everything and anything. And Dinah’s smiling too, like the sight of Camila is giving her the same feeling.

Then there’s Lauren, cheeks a warm red from the Summer night, grinning with the sparkler lighting up her green eyes. And Camila laughs as the older girl bites her lip, looking hopefully to Camila through her lashes. God, she’s _beautiful._

Camila stares back warmly, so many feelings and emotions bubbling up her chest, and Lauren just _gets_ it.

 “Come on Camzi. Fireworks don’t wait for nobody”

Camila shakes her head fondly, putting down her headphones in favour of Lauren’s warm smile, Dinah’s excited jump as Camila relents and the way both girls behind the glass high five.

 “We’re getting ice-cream on the way. That’s my negotiation”

Lauren nods through the glass, finger still on the button. “Hey, as long as you’re with me, I’m cool. Banana flavoured, right?”

(The words have Camila drowning, into pools of green that stare at her like there’s no one else in the room)

 

 

 

-

 

 

The flowers Lauren got her, turns out, were stolen from a random garden on the way here. Dinah is way passed tipsy, she’s giggling as Camila just rolls her eyes as she tells the story, holding them in her lap as Dinah bounces in the middle seat between Lauren and Camila in the Uber.

 “Then, _sneakily_ I might add Walz, I barrel rolled on the grass away from the garden bed and BAM-“ Dinah fist bumps the air, grinning. “One bouquet for Lauser to give to her dumb girlfriend”

The words have Camila chuckling fondly, leaning her head slightly forward with a raised eyebrow to stare at a now blushing Lauren; who’s scratching the back of her neck and shrugging. “She’s not my-“

(Camila stares back, her cheeks growing warm too because well _yeah,_ they’re not exactly _anything._ They’re just them. Lauren and Camila. Different sides to the same coin. Ying and Yang. Fire and-)

But they’re in love. It’s so dumb how they’re aren’t exactly labelled anything, but they’re in _love._ Camila watches how Lauren’s eyes are trying to say something. Something like _why do those words make me freeze in fear? Why am I so scared? Why can’t we just say we’re together?_ Camila decides on impulse, because both girls are stuck in limbo again, to bite her lip as she reaches behind Dinah. She touches lightly to Lauren’s elbow, and it’s enough for Lauren to deflate in relief. They don’t have to be anything yet, like Camila said before, baby steps.

Plus, it’s not like Camila can just go on social media and declare it to the world, right?

Right.

It’s then they hear Dinah gasp as a song comes on the radio, flipping her hair and drunkenly belting to _Malibu_ as she tells the poor driver to “Turn it up amigo!” It blasts through the cars speakers and even then Camila hears Lauren’s warm chuckle, feels how her hand comes to rest at Camila’s that’s still on her elbow, as she leans back behind Dinah to raise an eyebrow at the younger girl.

 “We seriously need to catch up to whatever numbered drink she’s on”

It makes Camila laugh, feeling how Lauren intertwines their fingers as she yells over the radio. “Where are we even going!?”

Lauren then grins as her eyes light up excitedly, Camila can’t get over how fucking adorable she looks.

 “The beach! Don’t look at me like that, we won’t _drown”_

The older girl then glares as she has to spit out Dinah’s hair that is flipped into her mouth. It makes Camila want to capture the moment. Reply it on repeat to let this warm feeling in her chest stay as she smiles. She squeezes once to the hand in hers, making Lauren blush slightly.

 “The only way you’re getting me in cold fucking water at 10 pm at night Laur, is if you physically carry me”

(When Lauren smirks, Camila looks warily to her, sending a warning glare. Looking back on it, Camila has only herself to blame)

 

 

-

 

“Lauren! Holy fucking shi-!”

She hears Lauren’s cackle, feeling the older girl pick her up from her mid-section and spin her around. Camila laughs back, feeling how Lauren’s warm breath hits her neck; she smells like vanilla and raspberry vodka. Camila wants to drown in everything _her_.

She wants to drown in the feeling of Lauren’s arms around her body, the sand squishing between her toes, how fireworks light up the sky and boom across the horizon. She tries to balance the drink in her hand while being spun, and when she’s set back down with Lauren’s hands at her hips; Camila can say nothing has ever felt righter than this moment.

They’re at a random beach party, the night dark enough that honestly, Camila wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t recognised at _all_ the entire time. They lost Dinah an hour ago as the taller girl ran off with guys playing football; Camila’s just happy she’s happy.

Then Lauren speaks from behind her, her voice soft as her front presses warmly against Camila’s back. It’s almost natural that her body melts into the older girls hold. “This is kinda perfect”

Camila turns her head to Lauren, meeting the gaze already staring at her. Detailing _everything;_ to her jawline, soft edges, bright eyes, the little scar below her ear, her nose ring, every little thing that draws Camila in.

(Lauren’s looking at her the same, but more like committing it to memory; as if she won’t ever get to feel this again)

Camila doesn’t like that idea, so she pouts; the alcohol in her system (Dinah’s horribly poured shots) making her at least 10 times more animated as usual. It makes Lauren chuckle as Camila speaks.

 “You look at me like I’m gonna slip away”

It makes Lauren frown slightly as she breathes. “Oh”

Camila widens her eyes, just realising her tipsy words. “No no. I mean like-“ Camila sighs, sinking further into Lauren’s hold. “I totally ruined the moment, didn’t I?”

But it just makes Lauren laugh softly, shrugging as she holds tighter. “A lil’. But you’re not wrong”

 “About?”

 “The slipping away thing” Lauren rests her chin on Camila’s shoulder, humming as she closes her eyes. “I’m scared I’m going to lose you again”

The words make Camila’s breath catch, she wants to spin around and god, _kiss_ her and tell her everything that’s on the tip of her tongue. How being scared like that, _afraid,_ it doesn’t have to be felt anymore. Camila’s _here._ She’s staying. She hopes Lauren can see that, that she’s been forgiven.

(Lauren sighs contently, maybe not even realising her words as she breathes against Camila’s neck peacefully. Camila wonders if Lauren has forgiven _herself)_

So she turns around in Lauren’s arms, hands at her waist. And she pulls their bodies closer. “Lo?”

Lauren perks up, blinking once and scrunching her eyebrows in confusion. “Hmm?”

 “I really want to fucking kiss you right now”

The older girl laughs, raspy and light, and pecks Camila on the nose. “Nothing’s stopping you”

(But there is. There’s an entire industry out there stopping her. Camila hates that she’s sober enough to think that)

Instead she smiles sadly, watches how Lauren’s face frowns in concern. “There kinda is”

Lauren opts to raise an eyebrow. “What, old white men who think they can control our every move?” There’s the passionate feisty Lauren Camila loves so much. It makes her smile.

 “I’m over being told who to love.” Lauren moves closer, breathing against Camila’s lips and god, she smells so good and she _feels_ so good against Camila’s body that the younger girl wants to just close the distance and melt.

 “Aren’t you Camz?”

(Yes, fuck she’s so _over_ it)

So, in the middle of an exploding firework, and shirtless guys yelling out “USA! USA!”, and hundreds of people; Camila launches forwards. Taking Lauren’s lips in hers and letting her hands rest against the sides of Lauren’s neck. Gasping into her mouth and pulling impossibly closer. She swears she feels Lauren falter, as if her knees became jelly and held to Camila so she didn’t fall. It’s nice to know the person who makes you weak is just as weak for you.

Camila bites softly at the other girls bottom lip, smiling as Lauren moans. And no one even glances their way. She feels how Lauren rubs her thumb at her hip bone, soft and warm against her cool skin; she pushes slightly into the touch, it’s a sort of un spoken way of saying _“keep doing that, it feels nice and I love your touch”_

Camila feels sparks from the fireworks hit her skin, sinking into the kiss as they deepen it. She feels how Lauren smiles into her lips with a happy hum.

It’s when Dinah, holding at least five sparklers jumps so her arms are around both girls necks that their kiss is effectively stopped. It makes them widen their eyes and laugh as they’re separated, Dinah just grins as if nothing happened; kissing Camila on the cheek and ruffling Lauren’s hair.

 “Happy Fourth of July! I love you guys so much! _Wooh!”_

She gets distracted by more fireworks, running off and nearly tripping in the sand. When Camila turns back, Lauren has a light blush to her cheeks.

 “Well that was something else,” Camila laughs at the older girl’s words, showing her dimples. She can see how Lauren’s eyes soften at that.

 “Come on,” Camila holds her hand out, a hopeful smile and lip bite adorning her face. “Walk with me?”

(Lauren takes her hand, a small smile and her eyes in a daze. Her hand in hers, it just feels _right._ )

 

 

 

-

 

They walk along the beach for what feels like hours.

Their hands don’t separate, if anything, Lauren holds tighter when Camila suddenly squeals as a wave gets too close to her feet. Quickly running from the foamy water as Lauren laughs, Camila then shoving her with her shoulder with a mock pout.

 “It’s cold and I have poor circulation. Don’t be mean”

Lauren swings their hands between them and it makes Camila look down with a smile. “Sorry, but it’s water Camz. It can’t kill you”

Camila huffs, Lauren couldn’t wipe the smile off her face if she tried. “Do you want my toes to fall off? Because  that _will_ happen if I touch that water”

Lauren rolls her eyes, watching how Camila brings her free arm up to rub at her bicep; warming her skin up from the cold. And maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe it’s the giddy feeling Lauren gets in the pit of her stomach when Camila laughs, but the older girl suddenly raises an eyebrow. Holding in a laugh as Camila wearily looks to her.

 “Lauren…”

 “Soo, _hypothetically,_ if I picked you up and threw you in you’d freeze to death?”

 “If you so much as- _Lauren!”_

And Camila’s picked up from around her waist, Lauren laughing as Camila squirms and kicks her legs in the air. As much as she _loves_ Lauren’s laugh, she is so not getting dunked just to hear it. “I swear to fucking god don’t you _dare”_

Lauren moves to the shore so her feet are now in the water, nearly up to her knees, and Camila’s hands are on her shoulders to hold her up as their bodies press together; the older girl's arms holding her up. Chest to chest. Faces closer than ever. And even though Camila’s seconds from dying like Jack from Titanic; she’s glad she gets to see Lauren’s eyes lit up by moonlight and lingering fireworks.

 “If I’m being thrown in, I hope you know I’m bringing you down with me Lo”

Lauren grins, teeth and all, and Camila’s hit with the image of a carefree seventeen-year-old Lauren; the grin she’d give Camila when she’d kiss her nose. The cheeky grin she’d flash when taking random photos of Camila unaware, the younger girl glaring at Lauren as she laughed. She’s hit with it all so suddenly that it makes her want to go back in time; feel those moments again and put them on repeat like a record.

Instead, she smiles at the way Lauren shrugs, like being drenched from head to toe at 11pm at night is _fine._

“Wouldn’t have it any other way”

Then Camila screams as Lauren dunks them both in, throwing Camila in first and laughing at how she bops up spluttering with her hair sticking to the front of her face; shivering from the cold seeping into her bones. Lauren simply dolphin dives after her, coming up with her hair away from her face and a shit eating grin. Camila glares, knowing Lauren can’t see it from her wall of wet hair, and feels how the older girl moves it gently from her face, tucking it behind her ear and smiling with a laugh at the frown that meets her.

 “Hey Ariel”

 “I fucking hate you”

Lauren quickly kisses her, soft and sweet, humming against her lips as Camila shivers. Her lips the only warm part of her body now. “Love you too Camz”

It’s so simple that it has Camila gasping into the kiss. It’s said so normally and _truthfully_ that it takes a second for Camila to remember where she is.

It hits her, like a train, that she’s in the ocean at midnight kissing _Lauren._ Hearing her mutter those words under the moons light and the heat of the fireworks. She doesn’t say it back, Lauren _knows,_ instead she pulls her closer, feeling the heat from Lauren’s body warm her insides. How Lauren shakes from the kiss, not the chill of the night. How Lauren holds tighter to Camila seeking an anchor, but not from the waves. How Lauren wants to melt into Camila like Camila wants to melt into Lauren.

Yeah, they’re gonna be a song one day. Printed into ink, etched into the grooves of a record, the midnight song someone sings to while dancing around their apartment. There’s something beautiful about that Camila thinks.

(There’s something beautiful about their love)

 

 -

 


	6. timeless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *camren dead in 2017* me: are you serious? right in front of my salad?
> 
> gfjdsk im kidding anyways i knew i said i was done with this fic but hey, writing is coming to me easily lately and i want to make the most of that. enjoy :) comments are super appreciated x

-

 

 

Life seems to go on. It seems to stretch across the horizon, it falls between the cracks of Camila’s guitar; she watches it pass through the people of the screaming crowd. She feels it in the way Lauren holds her, in the morning holding Camila from behind as she sips coffee. To falling into sheets with toothpaste flavoured kisses and Lauren laughing into her neck.

Camila watches time pass by like a kaleidoscope. Colourful and geometric and never ending. And suddenly it’s a month before her album is released and her tour is over and she’s panting as the last notes of the last song she sings rings out.

Then suddenly Lauren’s standing there, to the side of the stage; clapping and cheering with the rest of the crowd surrounding them.

And Camila smiles, god she _laughs_ as her dancers hug her and she smiles when she’s picked up in a spinning hug by Ashlee. When she falls back to the stage, thanking everyone in the audience; it’s Lauren her eyes fall to. While she’s holding the hands of her crew, she _really_ should be looking forwards. But she can’t _help_ it. Lauren’s smiling; like her grin will split her face, like the pride in her heart for Camila is taking up every available space in her body.

(When Lauren throws a towel at her sweaty body when she walks off stage, eyes raking over her figure; Camila just laughs when Lauren winks. Like she isn’t hiding strategically so fans can’t sneak pics of Lauren Jauregui at Camila Cabello’s concert. Like it’s normal and _they’re_ normal and neither women has to hide)  
  
 “You killed it, like, I don’t think I’m physically breathing right now Camz”

Camila rolls her eyes, wiping the sweat from her brow, and throws it back at a laughing Lauren.

 “Shut up”

And the older girl smiles back, it’s that smile Camila forgot seeing for months. It’s the _I’m in love with you_ smile, soft and unguarded and bare.

 “Never. Can’t I appreciate amazing choreography when I see it?”

Camila steps closer, there’s a woman taking out her ear piece and complicatedly placed microphone but it’s as if no one else surrounds them.  Camila _really_ wishes she could kiss Lauren’s stupid smirking face.

 “You forgot amazing vocals, hair, guitar skills, rapping, did I mention ass?”

Lauren snorts, shaking her head. “You’re an idiot. Come on, you have an interview in an hour and I haven’t seen you in days. I’m Camila deprived and sixty minutes with you is a god send”

Lauren says it nonchalantly, grabbing Camila’s hand and tugging slightly in the direction of her dressing room. But when Camila doesn’t move, Lauren frowns and looks back; raising an eyebrow with a smile to Camila who’s biting her lip. “You coming or do I have to give you a piggy back ride?”

Camila shakes herself out of it; nodding as she watches Lauren smile in answer and pull her in the right direction. Sometimes Camila wonders if Lauren realises the impact of her words on her, if she strings them together perfectly _just_ to tug at Camila’s heart strings.

(Camila guesses she doesn’t. Because when Camila pushes her up against her dressing room door and kisses her; hands through the older girls hair as she pulls her closer, Lauren whispers against her lips: “Kissing you feels like swallowing stars” and Camila’s knees weaken. She moans into Lauren’s mouth. And nothing else needs to be said)

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

It happens when Fifth Harmony releases “Angel” and when Camila looks back on it, she wonders why she freaked so hard.

They haven’t seen each other in days again – but that’s okay. Because Lauren texts her and sends her photos of interview moments with Dinah photobombing most of them, and Camila sends back dumb memes that has Lauren in fits. So it doesn’t even seem like they’re far apart; to Camila, it feels like they’ve never been closer.

So it must be like, an overflow of missing Lauren or built up energy that has Camila liking a tweet that has to do with the four girl’s newest single release.

(Twitter has a meltdown. Camila seriously wonders how a _like_ sends millions into cardiac arrest)

At first, she widens her eyes, throws her phone opposite to her on the couch like she touched fire, then mutters “Shit shit shit oh my god” into the open empty air of her apartment. And it’s funny, because when Lauren texts her, a laughing crying emoji and **“oh my god my mentions are CRAZY”** at first Camila is well, confused.

Because she kinda fucked up, right?

 

_Lo oh my god mngmt is gonna end me_

It takes a few minutes for Lauren to reply. But when she does, Camila laughs.

 

**who the fuck cares camz? it’s a tweet.**

**i could tweet abt buttholes right now and get the same attention**

Camila snorts at that, holding a pillow close to her chest.

 

_ur so weird I love you_

**it’s a talent I know ;)**

And like that, it blows over. Camila makes herself a sand which even though it’s 7pm at night and smiles when her phone dings again.

 

**oh btw be over in a few. interview finished early!**

Camila’s chest is light. Time is passing by. She loves Lauren and the way the moonlight kisses her apartment walls.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Camila’s seriously on a streak of making things awkward and fucking up.

She wakes up to knocking on her door, she darts up; hair a literal mess as she blinks confusedly into the darkness. Her phone blinks 9pm when she checks it, frowning when the knocks start up again.

 “Camz!? It’s Lauren!”

Camila widens her eyes, jumping up to answer the door. Opening it and smiling at a still glammed up Lauren who smiles back. Who is quirking her eyebrow up amusedly? And looking down to her legs?

Oh, and then Camila realises she has no pants on. Just an oversized tea and underwear as she blushes and runs her hand through her messy hair, mumbling. “Okay look, it’s a Sunday night let me be”

Lauren laughs, shrugging. “Hey, I’m not complaining”

And it’s just like that, they’re _them._ Camila makes them hot cocoa, Lauren lays her back against Camila’s chest on the couch and they talk and hold each other as a random playlist of Camila’s thrums in the background.

(It’s when Camila’s phone rings something _changes._ It shifts and alters everything and neither women even thought about it until now. About just what they are; together. Neither thought to voice the words)

Camila’s arms trapped beneath Lauren as she hears her ringtone pierce their conversation; and she doesn’t even think twice at the words that escape her lips.

 “Baby can you get that for me? My arms stuck”

The name slips so easily from her lips it’s as if they were eighteen again; young and new. Lauren freezes mid arm stretch, and from the angle Camila’s at she doesn’t see the slight blush colouring the older girl’s cheeks. Then she realises her words, and Camila’s own face heats up and fuck, she wouldn’t be surprised if Lauren could feel her erratic heart beat against her spine.

 “I-I m-mean uh-“

 “Camila?”

 “Shit I made it weird. Fuck I’m so sorry Lauren it just slipped out and-

 “ _Camz”_

“Really pet names are stupid anyways it makes _no sense_ and-“

 “Camila!”

The younger woman freezes, because Lauren’s hands are at her cheeks, stilling her ramblings. And her heart is still racing like it’s on fire, yet Lauren’s eyes are so calm, green, and Camila just wants to drown in them.

 “Chill, okay?”

Camila takes a breath, watching how Lauren’s fighting back a smile. “Okay I’m chill”

Lauren bites her lip, grinning. “You sure?”

Camila rolls her eyes, poking a laughing Lauren in the ribs. “Asshole”

They both sober up, and Camila watches as Lauren tenderly fixes her bangs. Smiling in barely hidden affection as she plays with the hairs there. Camila would be content to stay in this moment forever. Feeling how her nails lightly caress the skin there, how Lauren feels against her body. Like home.

 “I missed it”

Camila frowns, she lets her hands settle at Lauren’s waist as the older woman straddles her. “Missed what?”

Lauren stops playing with her hair, to then let her fingers fall to Camila’s cheek bone, then to her jawline; and Camila wants to melt into the couch. Close her eyes and let Lauren trace every curve.

 “The name. It was cute. You never said it a lot, but when you did,” Lauren bites her lip, shrugging shyly as she shakes her head. “It just-it was cute. And kinda our thing”

_Our thing._

It cracks Camila’s chest open.

Because they had a _thing,_ they had a thing that was theirs and only theirs. And she guesses they kinda still do.

Camila thinks about how they got here; what they went through, she thinks about how Lauren loves her, and how she loves _her._ About the hurt that she felt that still sometimes resurfaces. The scars in her heart that like to throb sometimes.

(Then, the next morning Lauren’s making pancakes, and Camila asks “Can I have the syrup babe?” like they’ve loved each other for years, kissed the other for decades, and been together for a millennia)

And maybe they have. Maybe the time of their love; that kaleidoscope of love, stretches across their horizons longer than anyone could _ever_ imagine.

 

-

 


End file.
